


How to Survive Being a SI Employee

by Seito



Series: Insanity at Stark Industries [1]
Category: The Avengers (2012), The Avengers - All Fandoms
Genre: Crack, Humor, Ice Cream, Nerf Wars, Steve killed an AI, Tony just wants a school, the janitor must be a ninja, tormenting OCs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-13
Updated: 2014-04-25
Packaged: 2017-11-12 02:09:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 27,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/485499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seito/pseuds/Seito
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While the top several floors belong to the Avengers, the rest of the building is still an industrial main-stay of Stark Industries. How do the employees cope with having superheroes in the same building with them?</p><p>For starters, not very well. </p><p>“Oh so first you break my computers, then you kill Alpha and now you break my assistant! What did I ever do you?!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Step 1: Captain America should be near computers alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Filled for a prompt at avengers kinkmeme.

First it should be said that Kit Cornet hated Captain America.  
  
Oh she was thankful for that fact that he regularly saved the world with the Avengers and she possibly may have grown up fangirling about him as a child. Her father was a huge Captain America fan having heard the (true!) stories from her grandfather (his father). It might have rubbed off on her too. Bless her father’s soul. She hadn’t told him that the famous Captain was living above her in the building she worked at.  
  
As for why she hated Captain America, it had started yesterday when she entered her office. Kit worked in the IT department of Stark Industries. She was the fastest coder they have; able to write, fix and take apart all different types of code in a matter of hours. While she wasn’t as fast as JARVIS (personally she thought it was an honor to even have met the greatest AI in existence), she was also a decent hacker. Kit took great pride in her skills and honestly working at Stark Industries was a bit like a dream. The latest tech was at her fingertips. She couldn't ask for anything else. So it stood to reason then, that Kit was very fond of her computers.  
  
Imagine her horror when she walked into her office to find Captain America in front of her precious babies who are flashing the blue screen of death and oh-my-god was that SMOKE?!  
  
“WHAT HAPPENED?!” she shrieked, dropping her bags and cup of coffee to the floor. She rushed over to her computers and started to see if she could fix anything. Captain America was on the side, apologizing. Kit didn’t hear him and instead threw him out.  
  
“Alpha?” Kit asked hesitantly. Alpha was the pet AI Kit had created. While nowhere near as complex as JARVIS or even Dummy, Alpha had been in response to a challenge Mr. Stark had made. That was, one day Mr. Stark had decided to make the coffee machine sentient. The only way Kit could get coffee was to create an AI able to combat (read: annoy) the coffee machine AI. Since the coffee machine was no longer causing trouble, Alpha was more like a pet keeping her company. Alpha reminded her of appointments and deadlines, fetched email, said hello to her every morning and pointed out errors she made while programming.    
  
There was no answer from Alpha. Instead her computers made a growing whirling noise. Kit looked in horror before she dove out of her office and slammed the door shut behind her. There was a loud BOOM that shook her lab. Kit peered back inside to find her computers had exploded into tiny pieces.  
  
“My babies!”  
  
\--------------------------------------  
  
Steve wandered down into Tony’s lab for two reasons. First his cellphone needed fixing and two he was feeling guilty about breaking that lady's equipment. He wanted to know her name so he could apologize. That would require looking at the employee’s pictures, which required Tony’s permission.  
  
“Whatcha need Steve?” Tony asked, setting down his screwdriver.  
  
Steve held out his cellphone, looking sheepishly. “Well, it’s keeps saying something to me and I can’t get it to stop.” Ever since this morning, his phone would shriek at him every five minutes. Nothing Steve did could make it to stop. Short of breaking it into pieces at least, but it was given to him by Tony and Steve didn’t want to break a gift.  
  
Tony looked at him, amused. “Alright, let’s have a look.” He took the cellphone from Steve. “What is it saying?”  
  
Before Steve could answer, the phone came alive screaming, “AI KILLER! AI KILLER!” Tony promptly dropped the phone and looked at Steve with horror.  
  
“STEVE!” Tony shouted disbelief in his tone of voice. He didn’t wait for Steve to defend himself. “JARVIS!”  
  
“Yes sir?” JARVIS replied, his crisp British accent echoing through the room.  
  
“Are you alright? Is Dummy and Butterfingers alright? Is everyone?” Tony fired off. Had his poor bots been hurt somehow?    
  
“Everyone is accounted for, sir. They are fine,” JARVIS reported back.  
  
Not believing it, Tony glared at Steve.

 

“It wasn’t my fault!” Steve protested.  
  
“Who did you murder Steve?” Tony accused. “Was it Toasty the Toaster? Just because he snaps at you every time you try to make toast does not give you right to murder him!”  
  
“But!”    
  
“If I may, sir,” JARVIS interrupted. “Mister Rogers made a detour into the IT department yesterday. I do not have full access to the security footage of the event.” JARVIS didn’t have full access to the lower levels, just the security cameras and computers because Tony didn’t want his employees to feel as if Big Brother was watching. “But it seemed Mister Rogers managed to blow up Miss Cornet’s lab yesterday.”  
  
“I got a message saying to check my email and it was the nearest computer,” Steve babbled. “Then all of sudden there was this blue screen and smoke and she threw me out.”  
  
Tony just stared at Steve. “You killed Alpha?” he said incredulously.  
  
“Alpha?” Steve asked, confused.  
  
Tony rubbed his forehead. “Alpha was Kit’s pet AI. You just murdered the pet of my best coder and hacker. She’s probably a wreck right now.”  
  
Steve stared guilty at the floor. Tony sighed and patted Steve on the shoulder. “Come on big guy,” he said, pushing Steve out the door. “Let’s go fix this.”  
  
“How do we fix this?” Steve asked. Could JARVIS bring Alpha back? Like rebooting a computer?  
  
“You’re going to buy her flowers and her favorite dessert -apple turnovers by the way- then you’re going to grovel for her forgiveness and offer your condolences,” Tony instructed. “And I will buy her all new equipment for her lab and hold the funeral.”  
  
“Funeral?”  
  
“You murdered her pet, Alpha and blew up her computers which are her babies. We’re holding a damn funeral and you’re going to be present.”  
  
“I really messed up didn’t I?”  
  
“You have no idea.”


	2. Step 2: Expect to run into famous people

Veer Ravera was a fresh out of college student and an assistant to Kit Cornet. Working at Stark Industries, working with Kit Cornet was a dream came true. Kit while not as a big name as Tony Stark, was infamous as a coding genius and Veer knew several computer companies who were piss off as hell when Stark Industries snatched her up a few years ago. Veer should know; his father’s company was one of them.

 

Why yes, working at Stark Industries is his way of saying ‘SCREW YOU DAD!’ Clinton Ravera was overbearing and almost oppressive in nature. He was an aggressive businessman and it spilled over into Veer’s home life as well. It was what drove his mother to leave all those years ago.

 

That was why when Veer got the offer for a job at Stark Industries, he took it up in a heartbeat without even informing his father. So Veer had been at Stark Industries for a few months now and still getting use to working with Kit. To be honest though, he wasn’t sure why she needed a lab tech assistant; an errand boy perhaps, but not an assistant. She possibly needed a nanny instead.

 

He had flipped on the light switch in their break room to find his boss still asleep at the table. Kit’s long black hair was split across the table, before falling over the edge of the table. Her head was rested on the laptop she had stolen from another lab. Judging by her crumpled attire, she hadn’t left since yesterday after her breakdown.

 

Veer wasn’t sure what happened. All he knew was when he had shown up yesterday, Kit was a complete mess and he spent the rest of the day buying her favorite ice cream and apple turnovers. Kit had completely ignored him all day long, alternating between sobbing into a pillow and coding like it was the end of the world. If he had to guess, Veer believed it had to do with the fact that their lab had been completely destroyed. How? Veer didn’t know.

 

“Mister Ravera?”

 

Veer jumped. “Who’s there?” he yelped, looking around. No one had entered the room. Kit was still passed out.

 

“I am JARVIS, Mister Stark’s personal AI. If you would be so kind to wake Miss Cornet and inform her that Mister Stark is sending up her new equipment.”

 

“JARVIS?” Veer squeaked. The JARVIS? As in the greatest AI in existence? As in “Do not piss off if you want to keep your job” JARVIS?

 

“Yes?” JARVIS mechanical voice filled the room.

 

“No, no, I mean just...” Veer squeaked in an even higher pitch of tone. “Holy shit, I get to meet JARVIS. No one is gonna believe me! This is just awesome! I got meet JARVIS!” He had heard the rumors of JARVIS before coming to work at Stark Industries. Not many people knew of the AI much less had any concrete evidence of how JARVIS was created or worked. All Veer knew was that JARVIS was heralded as the greatest AI in all existence and Veer got to MEET HIM!

 

This was the best day ever. 

 

“I agree JARVIS is awesome.”

 

Veer jumped and turned around. “Mr. Stark!” Standing behind him, was the one and only Tony Stark. Veer clutched his heart. He wasn’t sure if he could handle any more of this.

 

“In the flesh,” Tony greeted. He set the box he was carrying down on the ground before brushing his gray suit smooth.

 

“I - You’re -” Veer stammered. He peered behind Tony Stark to see a taller blond man carrying another four boxes. Holy shit was that Captain America standing behind Iron Man? How many people get to meet Tony fucking Stark, who was Iron man and his top boss, Captain America the living legend and JARVIS the greatest AI in existence?

 

Tony patted him on the shoulder. “Breathe kid.” Veer squeaked again and promptly passed out on the floor but it went ignored as Tony went over and poked Kit awake. Steve on the other hand went to check on Veer.

 

“Go away,” Kit moaned, swatting the hand that was poking her side.

 

“Is that any way to say hello to your wonderful boss who is replacing your equipment and has the cleaning crew cleaning out your lab?” Tony teased. “Now stop tormenting Steve.”

 

It turned out that Kit didn’t stop with just turning Steve’s phone against him yesterday. Certain other things happened throughout the day like the sprinklers going off and lights flickered every time Steve got nearby.

 

Kit glared at Steve. “He killed Alpha!” she protested. Then she saw Veer passed out on the ground, next to Steve. “Oh so first you break my computers, then you kill Alpha and now you break my assistant! What did I ever do you?!”

 

“I didn’t do anything!” Steve denied.

 

“Relax. Mr. Ravera just passed out from my awesomeness,” Tony reassured. “Don’t worry; we’ll have a funeral for Alpha tomorrow. Your lab will be repaired in two days all with shiny new tech that you keep denying you should have --” “I’m the youngest coder!” “No you’re not. Not anymore. That excuse became invalid a year after you were hired. Now stop tormenting Steve and listen to what he has to say.”

 

Steve took that his cue to take out the flowers and the box of apple turnovers. “My condolences for your lost and I’m sorry for killing Alpha and breaking your computers?”

 

Kit stared at the box of apple turnovers. Then she stared at Tony. “Bribing me with a box of apple turnovers isn’t going to make everything magically better.”

 

“Steve will sign your grandpa’s collection of vintage Captain America cards,” Tony said in a sing song voice.

 

“How did-- you know what never mind. Fine.” Kit snatched the box of apple turnovers out of Steve’s hands. “You’re forgiven,” she said. “Mostly. Now go away, both of you.” She made a shooing motion with her hand. “I have ten months of work and research to redo.”

 

Steve winced and felt twinge of guilt build up. Tony on the other hand, laughed and clapped Kit on the back. “Knowing you, Kit, you’ll be done in a week.”

 

He pushed Steve out of the lab to leave his favorite IT person alone. “I hate you!” Kit called out to them.

 

“No you don’t!” Tony shouted back.


	3. Step 3: Do not panic when being threaten by a mook

Hotaru Yamashita held the honor of being the front desk secretary for all of Stark Industries/Avengers Tower. Her job was fairly simple, answer telephone calls, direct people to the right floor, provide information and greet everyone with a smile. Because she sat at the front desk, she well familiar with all the employees (which is impressive since there are over 2,000 employees in the building) as they enter and exit the building every day. She was also quite use to the coming and goings of the Avengers (when they choose to use the front door).

 

“Have a good run Mr. Rogers.” There went Captain America out on his daily run. What a nice man. Steve never failed to greet her every morning he went out. Hotaru hoped her son would turn out just as sweet as him.

 

She stopped to reminisce about her son, Aero. He was growing up so fast.

 

“Good morning Miss Cornet,” Hotaru greeted with a wave, snapping out of her daydream.

 

After Kit entered, a takeout delivery man entered into the lobby. “I have Chinese food for a Bruce Banner?” the man explained.

 

Hotaru held out her hands “I’ll find someone to take to him. Hmm? Oh no, sorry you just don’t have clearance to go up that high. Here’s your payment. JARVIS?”

 

“Yes Mrs. Yamashita?”

 

“Could you inform Doctor Banner that his...,” Hotaru paused her thought process to quietly ponder the meal in her hands. It was clear that Doctor Banner had ordered this under the assumption that it was still evening night and this was probably dinner. But since it was eight am in the morning…  “That his breakfast is here? And ask what he would like to be done, if he wants it to be sent up or if he wants to come down for it?”

 

“Of course Mrs. Yamashita.”

 

Hotaru also held the honor of being the only one to hold a front desk job with Stark Industries for the last twelve years. Mr. Stark insisted on transferring her to the new building upon its completion. Something Hotaru took up in a heartbeat if meant dealing less with one Obadiah Stane. She didn’t like to speak ill of the dead, but there was something about that man that made her skin crawl.

 

She was digressing. Anyways, it wasn’t that she felt she didn’t need the help or that space didn’t allow it. Actually there was room to fit at least three more people with her. On extremely busy days she really could use the help, but Hotaru had stopped putting in requests for an assistant seven years ago. Why? Well frankly she was sick and tired of getting an assistant, training them and then having them quit on her two weeks later.

 

It was a waste of time, a waste of resources and an extreme annoyance.

 

Like now.

 

“Take me to see Tony Stark.” Hotaru looked to see a man dressed in dark clothing standing in front of her desk. His face was covered by a black ski mask, his voice muffled by the cloth. He hadn’t wasted any time drawing his weapon (Smith & Wesson SW1911 Hotaru noted to herself) and pointing it straight at her.

 

To her credit, Hotaru didn’t flinch. “Hello,” she greeted. “Robbery or Revenge?”

 

The idiot faltered. “What?”

 

“Robbery or Revenge?” Hotaru repeated a tad slower this time. No need to openly mock the idiot.

 

“Does it matter?”

 

Hotaru’s smile grew wider. “Yes, yes is does.” By now, JARVIS had probably alerted someone, so Hotaru didn’t feel alarmed or afraid by the situation. Honestly it was in her job description to deal with these kinds of things (well Mr. Stark was forced to add it after her third assistant quit citing it wasn’t her job to deal with criminals threatening her).

 

“If you’re here for a robbery, I’m authorized to give $10,000 dollars in unmarked bills as well as the keys to a getaway car on the condition that you leave the building without taking a hostage or hurting anyone. If you agree to this,” Hotaru paused to look at her wristwatch. “You will have a ten minutes head start before the police arrive.”

 

“And if I’m here for revenge?” the criminal asked.

 

Hotaru twisted her golden brown hair with her finger. “Then I need to know whom you are targeting for revenge so I can tell you which floor they are on, assuming they are even present in the building. Then I’ve been instructed to give you the first of ten keys.”

 

She could practically see the look of confusion under that ski mask of his. “The first of ten keys?” the criminal repeated.

 

“Of course. The entire building goes into lockdown every time someone without an appointment walks through the door. This particular lockdown triggers many obstacles. Have you played video games before? Think of this as a puzzle dungeon. You know, the first keycard only lets you go up the first five floors, but first you have to go to the third floor to find the keycard that will let you up to tenth floor but nothing in between the fifth and the tenth. Problem is the next keycard is on the seventh floor. Simple things like that.”

 

“Simple?” the criminal asked in disbelief.

 

“Alright, not simple. Some of the finest minds in history are gathered here in Stark Industries and no one has managed to solve it yet. I should know. For the last ten years Mr. Stark has held a contest with a prize of $1 million dollars to the SI employee who can solve it,” Hotaru remarked in a bored tone. “I gave up trying three years ago. Never did find that second keycard.”

 

“I don’t underst--ARGHH!!”

 

The criminal dropped to the ground, twitching as 10,000 volts pulsed through his body. Hotaru on the other hand, smiled and looked at the person who managed to taser the idiot criminal. “Good day, Agent Coulson.”

 

“Mrs. Yamashita,” Coulson greeted back. “Take this man away,” he ordered the two SHIELD agents that were with him. The agents quickly scrambled forward, dragging the body away.

 

“Thank you for dealing with him Agent Coulson,” Hotaru said, her smile growing wider.

 

Coulson on the other hand just stared at her for a brief moment. “How much of that was actually true?” he finally asked. On one had it seemed impossible that such a security system existed; on the other hand it was Stark.

 

Hotaru’s smile didn’t waver. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about. Are you here to see Mr. Stark?”

 

Coulson didn’t point out her change in subject. “Yes. I would appreciate if you or JARVIS didn’t inform him so he’ll have time to get away.”

 

“Since you dealt with that idiot criminal, I won’t tell him,” Hotaru promised. “I cannot control JARVIS though.”

 

JARVIS, spectacular timing as always, chimed in at the moment. “I’m sorry Agent Coulson. I have already informed Mister Stark of your arrival.”

 

Coulson sighed. “That’s alright JARVIS. It’s to be expected.”

 

“Oh! And if you would,” Hotaru began. “Please drop off this Chinese food to Doctor Banner.” She handed Coulson the box of takeout food.

 

Coulson just sighed again. “Have a good day, Mrs. Yamashita.”

 

Hotaru waved as Coulson entered the elevator. “You too!” she called after. Once the doors closed and she was left alone in the lobby area, she sat down into her chair. Her smile vanished and she sighed.

 

She didn’t get paid enough to deal with mooks every day.


	4. Step 4: Beware the Almighty Janitor

Clint was lounging in the living room by himself. The other Avengers had gone their separate ways for the day. Coulson was at SHIELD filing paperwork no doubt. Steve was visiting some art exhibit. Tony had been dragged off to LA by Pepper. Natasha was still on her mission; she was scheduled to return sometime tomorrow. Bruce, Clint believed, was asleep in his lab and Thor had gone to visit Jane. All in all, it was looking to be a very quiet but boring afternoon.   
  
Until JARVIS broke the silence. “Agent Barton,” the AI addressed.   
  
“What can I do for you JARVIS?” Clint asked instantly becoming alert.   
  
“There is a robbery going on downstairs in the front lobby. Would you be able to assist?” JARVIS asked.   
  
“Sure thing. I’ll just grab my bow and head into the ducts,” Clint said. Well at least the afternoon suddenly got interesting. Within a few minutes he was suited up and armed, down the stairs to the second floor and now crawling through the ducts.   
  
“Ah ha,” Clint muttered to himself. He peered through the vent to see Mrs. Yamashita being held at gunpoint. There were five men, dressed in black and armed. Two guarding the door and one watching the back of the leader who was the one aiming the gun at Mrs. Yamashita and the last one was watching the elevator doors.   
  
Clint made a disapproving noise. These idiots. Mrs. Yamashita didn’t need this kind of stress. Well, he had to admit she didn’t look stressed. Almost bored. He wondered if what she was telling them was true or magnificent bullshit. He crawled through air ducts, looking for a better position.   
  
As he turned the corner, Clint ran straight into someone. By someone he meant a janitor, who was carrying a bucket full of bricks and mop. Why on earth was a janitor in the air vents? What were the bricks for? Clint didn’t have time for this. “Hi, could you please move? I need to rescue a civilian.”  
  
To his surprise, the janitor merely glared at him. “No.”  
  
No?   
  
\------------------------  
  
Kai Yamashita was not having a good day. First off, some blockhead left a mess in the 10th floor bathroom which he had to clean up. Second that damn grease stain on the 2nd floor refused to come out, no matter how many times Kai scrubbed, cleaned and buffered. Third, some idiots just held his wife in gunpoint.   
  
So no, he’s not going to let someone else rescue her goddamnit.   
  
“No? Look, I understand you have your job to do. This is probably why you’re in the air ducts in the first place. What are the bricks for by the way? And how on earth do you expect to use the mop in here? Nevermind. Listen, I’m a trained agent ---”  
  
“I know who you are Agent Barton,” Kai interrupted. He shot a glare at the archer. “It’s none of your business why I have bricks and a mop. How do you expect to shoot arrows from the vent? Not exactly enough room and you don’t seem to have a crossbow.”   
  
Clint grinned. He liked this guy! “Doesn’t change the fact that I have the training for this kind of stuff.”   
  
“Duly noted,” Kai remarked. He drilled a hook into the side of the duct and tied a rope around it. Once secured, he gave it a tug to test it. Then he opened up the vent and grabbed a brick. “You can follow if you like then. Feel free to take out the two guards by the front door.”   
  
With a flicker of wrist, Kai tossed the brick out of the vent and straight at the leader’s head. The idiot didn’t even see it coming as he crumpled to the ground, bleeding from his new head injury.   
  
Then Kai jumped down, descending with the rope and armed with the mop. Clint had enough time to let out a whistle before following down with his own grappling hook. The archer made quick work of the idiots guarding the doors, --child’s play really-- and had enough time to turn around to see Kai take out the guard by the elevator with a serious whack to the head with the mop. The leader and his backup were already unconscious on the floor.   
  
“Wow you’re good,” Clint said, impressed that a janitor managed to take out three armed men, drop from a twenty foot high ceiling and accurately hit the leader with a brick!   
  
“Thanks honey,” Hotaru said, giving Kai a kiss on the cheek.   
  
Kai grumbled. “The amount of attacks has gone up since we came to the new building.”   
  
Hotaru just patted him on the shoulder. “Think of it this way, dear. The villains that are actually dangerous don’t use the front door. They just go up to the top floors to attack the Avengers.”   
  
“Doesn’t mean I have to like it!”  
  
The last puzzle piece fell into place for Clint. Two minutes ago he had no idea why on earth a janitor was risking his life to save Mrs. Yamashita. It wasn’t every day that someone willing jumped into a potential fire-fight that could end in death. But the rings on the fingers, the pet names and affection, it was suddenly all clear. This was must be Mrs. Yamashita’s husband. Clint was definitely impressed.   
  
“I’ll call SHIELD and have these guys picked up,” Clint said. Best to lock up these bastards where they can’t pull something like this again.    
  
Kai looked back at him. “Yeah you do that,” he agreed. He then pulled out a roll of duct tape from his pocket.   
  
“What’s the duct tape for?” Clint asked, curious.   
  
Kai grinned. “For tying up these idiots.”   
  
Ooo! Clint really liked this guy.


	5. Step 5: The Correct Answer is No Unless Convin--- Bribed Otherwise.

Coulson was the first one to return to the Tower, which was perfect because Coulson the exact person who Clint wanted to talk to. “Coulson!” Clint shouted latching on to his handler the minute the agent walked out of the door.  
  
“It’s too earlier for this Barton,” Coulson answered with a sigh.  
  
“No listen, I want to recruit someone.”  
  
Coulson’s heart stopped for a moment. That was never a good phrase to hear from Clint’s mouth, ever. But at the same time, if he didn’t at least indulge Clint into listening, Clint would never stop. “Alright who?”  
  
“He’s a janitor.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Hear me out,” Clint defended.  
  
“No. The answer is no.” Coulson could feel the headache beginning to grow. He didn’t want to know where exactly Clint met this... janitor and why.  
  
“No listen, Phil,” Clint cut in. “This guy is awesome. Definitely Avengers material. He took down three armed men down in the lobby without even blinking. His wife is awesome by the way. You’ll love her. I bet she can bullshit with a straight face to Fury.”  
  
“Clint,” Coulson started.  
  
“I’m a great judge of character, Phil!” Clint defended. “I was right about Natasha and Thor!”  
  
Coulson had to give him that. “I have proof!” Clint said. “JARVIS did you record this afternoon’s robbery?”  
  
“Yes Agent Barton.”  
  
“Great! Could you show it to Phil?”  
  
“Of course.”  
  
Coulson raised an eyebrow as he watched the five criminals pour into the lobby. “Another attack in the lobby?” he said in disbelief. He had rescued Mrs. Yamashita from an attack three days ago. “How often does the front desk get ambushed like that?”  
  
“This afternoon’s attempt was the 239 since sir took over the company and I was installed,” JARVIS answered. “Before it was rough average of two attacks a month. But since sir’s creation of Iron Man and subsequently events of the Avengers, the attacks have increased to roughly twice a week.”  
  
Clint blinked. That was new to him. “Wait, we’ve been living in the tower for ten months now. Today was the first time you told me about it.”  
  
“I could not reach Mr. Yamashita and was unsure if he was already taking care of the issue,” JARVIS explained.  
  
Clint whistled again, impressed. “So you’re telling me he regularly saves his wife?”  
  
“Yes. 98% of the attacks are resolved by Mr. Yamashita. It is highly probable that Mrs. Yamashita hasn’t quit her job like many others based on the fact that she knows her husband will rescue her.”     
  
He turned to Coulson. “Can we recruit both of them?” Clint begged.  
  
Coulson watched the video with a careful eye. He had tried to recruit Mrs. Yamashita before, but Tony had said no. On the other hand, Tony didn’t say anything about trying to recruit her husband. On the screen, Kai ducked under the gunfire of bullets, before slipping into close range with a powerful jab to the criminal’s chest with his elbow. This was followed by a swift uppercut with the palm of his hand. Last, with a great swing with his mop, sent the criminal flying.  “JARVIS, what is Mr. Yamashita’s first name?” Coulson asked.  
  
“It is Kai, sir,” JARVIS answered.  
  
Kai Yamashita. Where had he heard that name before? Then it clicked in Coulson’s head and he paled a little. “JARVIS you run background checks on all of the employees yes?”  
  
“Of course. Both Yamashitas’ records are clean.”  
  
Coulson just paled more because JARVIS sounded amused. That changed everything. “I changed my mind, Clint. You can try and recruit them.”  
  
Clint’s eyes lit up. “Really? Great!” He wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. Without waiting, Clint took off before Coulson changed his mind.  
  
The archer disappeared down the elevator before Coulson could stop him. Not that Coulson was planning to. Because if Coulson’s hunch was right, Kai Yamashita would be a great asset to the Avengers and SHIELD. His wife, unflappable as she was, would be a bonus.  
  
… Just how on Earth did Stark get the World’s Greatest Ninja to come and work for him?  
  
\---------------------------------  
  
Attempt: 1  
  
“Kai! Want to join the Avengers?”  
  
“The answer is no, Agent Barton.”  
  
\---------------------------------  
  
Attempt: 4  
  
“Mrs. Yamashita I would like to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative.”  
  
“I said no to your recruitment about joining SHIELD a year ago. I don’t think you can convince me otherwise, Agent Coulson.”  
  
\----------------------------------  
  
-Ring, Ring-  
  
“Cornet speaking.”  
  
“Kit! Look I need --”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Wait what! Don’t hang up on me Kit! Don--!”  
  
-Ring, Ring-  
  
“Cornet speaking.”  
  
“What kind of employee hangs up on their boss?!”  
  
“The answer is still no, Mr. Stark.”  
  
“I’ll buy you a box of apple turnovers!”  
  
“... I’m listening.”  
  
“Good! Okay see I need --”  
  
“Wait is this illegal?”  
  
“...”  
  
“I’ll take that as a yes and my answer is still no then.”  
  
“Two boxes!”  
  
“Fine... whom am I hacking and what I am I looking for?”  
  
“His name is Kevroc. I just forward you what information I know about him. Dig up everything you can on the bastard okay?”  
  
“JARVIS can’t do this why?”  
  
“JARVIS is entertaining the kids.”  
  
“... I don’t want to know.”  
  
“We’ll be landing in an hour!”  
  
“I hate you.”  
  
“No you don’t!”  
  
\-----------------------------------------  
  
Attempt: 7  
  
“Mr. Yamashita, it’s an honor to meet you.”  
  
“Hello Agent Coulson. My wife speaks highly of you.”  
  
“I don’t suppose I could convince you to join the Avengers can I?”  
  
“Nope.”  
  
\-----------------------------------------  
  
Seika Usuyuki had a headache. It wasn’t a surprise that she had one. More of a surprise that it took this long to form. She opened her drawer, looking for the bottle of aspirin. After popping the pill into her mouth and swallowing, she went back to staring at the paperwork in front of her.  
  
Why on earth did she ever decide to be an accountant?  
  
Captain America had blown up an IT lab two weeks ago. That took $30,000 dollars out of the budget. Yesterday a Doombot crashed through upstairs. The Avengers’ living quarters’ damage was being footed by SHIELD but the damage to the front garden that was done after tossing the Doombot off the Tower was being handled by Stark Industries. That be another $12,346 dollars out of the budget. Yes the grant for $10,000 dollars can be given to R&D department section Gamma. No, she’s not approving the purchase of yet another spectrometer for R&D department section Delta. No to the request for a new PS3 for the staffroom on the 21st floor is denied. There’s a perfectly working one on the 20th floor. The following employees were nominated for raises. Seika noted that it was a clear relationship between getting a raise and being Mr. Stark’s favorite (and thus dealing with him, the Avengers, SHIELD and the insanity that follows on a daily basis).  
  
It didn’t surprise her that the Yamashitas were up for a raise again which would probably make them some of the highest paid employees after Doctor Banner, Mr. Hogan and Miss Potts. Imagine the irony of that. A secretary and a janitor are paid more than your average scientist. Then again, your average scientist didn’t regularly get threaten at gunpoint or have to take out armed criminals on a daily basis. The front desk ran so much more smoothly when the Yamashitas were around to maintain the status quo. Damages cost triple every time the Yamashitas took a vacation. Not to mention the year Hotaru ended up taking off when she was pregnant and Kai was taking off weeks at a time to help, Seika feared they were going to have declared bankruptcy. Enough begging (and endless promises of babysitting duty) brought the Yamashitas back to Stark Industries.  
  
In fact the next time someone complained to her about not getting a raise, she will let them take Mrs. Yamashita’s position in the front desk and see how long they last. When they’re sobbing at the end of the first day, it won’t matter because Seika will have filed the paperwork to have the ungrateful idiot fired.  
  
New cleaning supplies were requested. That’s another $876 dollars out of the budget. On the bright side, Doctor Banner’s new invention was dominating sales. It was currently grossing at over $200 million dollars and expected to continue to flourish. That meant Seika could approve the PR department’s request for a dart board (cost $25 dollars) without worrying about breaking the budget. One would figure with a multi-billion corporation, worrying about money should not be that big of a concern. What most people didn’t realize is that between the damages the company takes due to supervillains and alien invasions, the funding towards Iron Man, the occasional hospital bills and lawsuits and not to mention just having Mr. Stark as an owner there was plenty of worrying as to where what money was going.  
  
Speaking of Mr. Stark...  
  
“The answer is no,” Seika called out, not even looking up from her work as she heard her door open.  
  
To her surprise, the door quickly closed after that. Seika looked up. Strange, normally Mr. Stark didn’t take no for an answer. Not without a fight at least.  
  
\----------------------------  
  
Bruce knew it. Just because Tony wanted him in the tower and (somehow working for Stark Industries) didn’t mean everyone else in the building was happy about it. He didn’t think it would be this hard to request for a piece of equipment. Pepper had told him if he ever needed something was to come down to Accounting and ask for Seika Usuyuki. Bruce figured it was worth a shot, but hadn’t expected to be told no before even asking.  
  
He sighed and resigned himself to his fate. Perhaps he will just ask Tony to buy him a new oscilloscope when Tony got back from LA.  
  
“Bruce!”  
  
Speak of the devil. “Tony,” he greeted.  
  
Tony grinned back at him. “Requesting money to buy new equipment from my iron handed accountant?” he teased.  
  
Bruce grimaced slightly. “Got turned down already.”  
  
“What? You clearly didn’t defend your case well enough.” Tony didn’t give Bruce a chance to walk away before pushing Bruce back into Seika’s office.  
  
“Seika!” Tony greeted with a cheerful tone.  
  
Still looking down at her papers, Seika didn’t miss a beat by responding, “The answer is still no.”    
  
“What do you mean, it’s still no? I haven’t had a chance to ask yet!” Tony whined.  
  
Seika looked up and Bruce can see the flashes of annoyance and amusement in her blue eyes. “You took no as the answer two minutes ago,” she replied.  
  
“I just got back,” Tony pointed out. “Two minutes ago I was still talking to Pepper.”  
  
Seika’s eyebrow rose in curiosity. “Then who walked into my office two minutes ago?”  
  
Bruce coughed slightly. “That would be me.”  
  
Seika blinked. “Oh. Then my apologizes, Doctor Banner. I was informed that Mr. Stark had returned to the building and since every time after he returns from a trip, the first thing he does is come to my office and makes some outlandish request.”  
  
“I do not do that every time!” Tony protested in the background.  
  
Seika ignored her boss. “What can I do for you, Doctor Banner?”  
  
“Oh, well I need a new oscilloscope. Or actually I just need a plug, mines is starting to fray. Too much pulling I suspect and I’m concerned it’s a fire hazard,” Bruce explained. This was going much easier then he thought.  
  
“Sure.” Seika pulled out two forms and handed them to Bruce. “Fill these out and I’ll approve of the funding. Give it back to me today and I can make sure it’s ordered by today.”  
  
“Was that all?” Tony asked. “I could have bought you that Bruce and then you wouldn’t have to deal with the paperwork.”  
  
Seika threw a paper ball at Tony. “Favoritism Mr. Stark,” she corrected.  
  
Bruce winced and Tony looked affronted. “How can you say that, Seika?! You’re one of my favorite employees!” Tony protested.  
  
Seika just gave him a deadpan stare. “I know,” she said dryly. “But there are idiots who don’t seem to understand that being your favorite actually means more work. Next time the Avengers have a fight upstairs, please make sure the Doombot doesn’t land on the garden and please inform Mr. Odinson to stop tormenting the employees. R&D department, section Beta wants to ban Agent Barton from their floor after an incident of him firing his nerf bow and arrows. I will confiscate said nerf bow if this continues to repeat. However the PR departments do want him to give them lessons to improve their aim for the next nerf gun war. All because you bought every employee a nerf gun and encourage nerf wars.”  
  
“You’re just like Coulson,” Tony accused.  
  
Seika’s lips twitched upward into a smile. “One day I wish to meet this Agent Coulson. I want to swap babysitting tips with him.”  
  
“That is actually a terrifying picture to imagine,” Bruce quietly remarked. He had been in Ms. Usuyuki’s office for a few brief minutes and Bruce had the distinct impression that she had a lot in common with Pepper. That was, while Pepper wrangled Tony and board members, Ms. Usuyuki seemed to be handle the rest of the company. Idea of her meeting Coulson, professional wrangler and supernanny for the Avengers and them discussing tips.... terrifying. The idea of all three of them having lunch together, oh Bruce feared that day.  
  
Tony grinned. “So now will you listen to my brilliant plan?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Please?”  
  
“... Will you sign all the papers that need your signatures so that I don’t have to find Miss Potts and have her force you to do it?” Seika asked.  
  
“Yes,” Tony promised. “And I’ll even do the paperwork for this next project.”  
  
That was something Seika would bite for. “Alright, I’m listening.”  
  
“I want to buy a school.”  
  
“What?!”


	6. Step 6: While the correct answer was no, sometimes it was easier to just nod and smile.

Attempt: 14  
  
“Good morning Mrs. Yamashita.”  
  
“Hello Agent Barton.”  
  
“Has Coulson talked to you yet about having your husband join the Avengers?”  
  
Smile.  
  
“Is that a yes?”  
  
Smile.  
  
“You’re not going to answer me are you?”  
  
Nod.  
  
\---------------------------------------------  
  
 _‘Thank god for Doctor Banner,’_ Seika thought to herself. The man recovered faster than she did and managed to ask the one question she was pondering while she attempted to restart her brain.   
  
“A school?” Bruce asked. “Why a school?”   
  
Tony flushed a light red color. “I might... have rescued a bunch of kids in LA who were gonna be used as runners in a drug cartel. I wasn’t going to send them back to the orphanage who sold them to the cartel in the first place. So I brought them back with me.”   
  
Seika was at a loss of words. Numbers began to flash into her head. Mr. Stark didn’t just want a school; he probably wanted an orphanage or at the very least dormitories. Possibly a community center too. That meant she had to find a piece of land or building large enough for that. The budget... oh screw the budget she would need to restructure the entire thing and allocate funds to a separate branch. Someone needed to get in touch with construction companies and state officials. She would need to hire a group of people to maintain and teach at the school, which meant more funds needed to payroll. And... and... no new plan. Nod and smile and redirect Mr. Stark to Ita.   
  
“Well?” Tony asked.  
  
Seika smiled. “Go see Mr. Fujiwara, Mr. Stark.”   
  
\----------------------------------------------  
  
Attempt 16:   
  
“Mr. Yamashita --!”  
  
“No.”  
  
\---------------------------------------------  
  
Balloons? Check!  
  
Red Nose? Check!  
  
Gift wrapped? Check!  
  
Ita Fujiwara was going over his mental checklist when suddenly Tony burst into his office.   
  
“I need to talk to you!” Tony blurted out. He was dragging Doctor Banner into the office after him.   
  
Mentally Ita groaned in his head. “Oh god boss,” he swore. “What lawsuit am I filing for now? You told me there wouldn’t be any more sexual harassment ones!”   
  
“I haven’t dated anyone in seven months. That was one time and you knew she was lying through her nose!” Tony immediately protested. There was no love for him in his company. His employees just automatically assume the worst in him. Granted... they were usually right but where was the respect? Tony had stayed away from the dating scene after his amiable breakup with Pepper.   
  
Ita stared at him. “Oh right, that’s because you’ve been pining after Captain America.”  
  
Bruce looked at Tony with an expression that said _‘Oh really?’_.

 

Tony on the other hand sputtered out, “I’m not pining after Steve!”   
  
“Keep telling yourself that, boss. The rest of SI thinks otherwise.”   
  
“They do?!” What on earth had Tony done to make all of his employees think that he was pining after Steve?!   
  
“Yup.”  
  
Okay yeah. No more. The conversation needed to change. “Why are you dressed as a clown?” Tony asked.   
  
Ita looked down at the polka dotted outfit and red shoes that he was wearing. He shrugged. “Seika’s brother, Sano, is holding a birthday party for his daughter. I offered to be the clown.” He blew up a green balloon and twisted into a dog before handing it off to Bruce. “I went to clown college for a little while.”  
  
“Clown college?” Bruce asked. Was there such a thing? He looked at the black haired lawyer, trying to judge if he was joking or not. Bruce couldn’t tell. He could be trolling. It was possible. Bruce would have.   
  
“Your fiancée has you wrapped around her little finger,” Tony snickered.   
  
“Like how Captain Rogers has you wrapped around his?” Ita shot back.   
  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Tony denied. “I just want a school!”   
  
Ita blinked. “What?”  
  
“A school,” Tony stressed. “I want to buy a building and set up a school. Your fiancée told me to see you, but I think that was just her way of throwing me out of her office nicely.”  
  
“What kind of school?”   
  
“There’s a difference?” Tony asked.   
  
Ita rolled his eyes. “Yes boss. Public? Private? Charter? Boarding? The laws change depending on which one you want.”   
  
“Really?”  
  
“Yes boss.”  
  
Tony clapped Ita on the back. “Well good luck. I’ll let you make the best decision.”   
  
He headed toward the door, before Ita grabbed him by the collar of his suit. “You’re not going anywhere boss,” Ita remarked. “You hired me to sue people, not to set up schools. I don’t know anything the laws involving school. Not off the top of my head at least.”  
  
“That’s why I’m leaving it to you, my best lawyer!”   
  
Ita rolled his eyes. “Your best lawyer is my old man. The only reason why you didn’t ask him is because he’s on vacation.”  
  
Tony shrugged. “Taiyo is planning to retire next month and your promotion has already been approved. That makes you my best lawyer.”  
  
Ita blinked, surprised by the news. “Thanks?”   
  
Tony grinned. “Now get to work.”  
  
“You’re still not going anywhere, boss,” Ita said, grabbing Tony’s collar again.   
  
Tony sighed and resigned himself. What did his employees often tell him? Just nod and smile. “C’mon Bruce, the sooner we find these laws the sooner those kids can get a safe haven,” Tony half begged, half ordered. They would be here all day if it was just Tony and Ita. Having an extra pair of eyes would greatly help. Tony did promise Seika he would do all the paperwork surrounding his project.    
  
Bruce smiled. “Sure thing.”  
  
“Any idea of what you want to name the school, boss?” Ita asked.  
  
Tony went silent for a few moments. He thought back to the days of his childhood and remembered. He remembered warm hands, a bright smile and brown eyes stern but light. He remembered the ruffling of hair and the warmth, love, affection and safety.   
  
He didn’t have the best childhood or the greatest parents but there was someone who had given him so much back then. Those same feelings, Tony wanted to pass on to those kids. In a quiet voice, Tony answered.   
  
“The Peggy Carter Institution.”


	7. Step 7: Fanboying should be done in private

Bruce hesitantly peered into the empty lab. According to Seika, the order for his new oscilloscope had been placed but it would be at least another day for it to arrive at SI. That meant delaying his experiment by 24 hours, something Bruce was hesitant to do since the equations and theories were fresh in his mind.   
  
Seika had given him an amused smile and told him he had two options: stalk the shipping department and wait until it arrived or venture into R&D Department Section Alpha and ask to borrow one.   
  
Bruce hummed in disappointment to see that lab was empty. He had mixed feelings interacting with the rest of the employees of SI. Just because Tony wanted him, just because the Avengers welcomed him as a friend, didn’t mean everyone else in the building is happy to have the Hulk living above them. It was why, even though Tony had given him full range of the R&D department floors, Bruce had never sought out his fellow scientists.   
  
It just... felt safer.   
  
The lab was empty with no one in sight; a clear sign that it was simply not meant to be and Bruce should turn around and just wait like a good boy.   
  
“Ahem, who are you?”   
  
So much for escaping without notice.  
  
\-----------------------------------  
  
Doctor Arashi King had a headache. He tapped the wall next to him to reveal a hidden compartment. Inside it was a gun and a bottle of aspirin. Every employee had some hiding place for their stash of aspirin (and optional weapon if you were the paranoid type) throughout the entire building. Several members of the janitorial department made it a game to see how many stashes they could find.   
  
He wandered into his lab just in time to see someone was already there. Arashi’s eyes narrowed. “Who are you?”   
  
The man turned around and Arashi’s heart jumped. The man standing before him was Doctor Banner. THE Doctor Banner. Inside Arashi’s head, he was crying tears of joy. Outside though, he maintained his professionalism.   
  
“Doctor Banner,” Arashi corrected. “What can I do for you?”  
  
Bruce gave him a weak smile. One that didn’t really reach his eyes, Arashi noted. “I’m looking for a spare oscilloscope,” Bruce said.   
  
Arashi danced for joy in his head. Doctor Banner was asking him for a spare oscilloscope! Headache or not, today officially became the best day ever. “Sure. None of my work requires oscilloscopes. So take it for as long as you need it.”   
  
Bruce smiled again. “Thank you.”  
  
He quickly collected the oscilloscope and left the room.   
  
Once Arashi heard the door shut, he broke out into a victory dance. “I got to meet Doctor Banner,” he sang. “I got to meet Doctor Banner!”   
  
Five months ago, Arashi wouldn’t have been impressed either way. Oh he appreciated what the Avengers did, but he didn’t really care and didn’t really have a “favorite”. That all changed the day Doctor Banner created portable medical equipment for battlefields and third world countries where electricity was sparse.   
  
Before Arashi came to work at SI, he served in the military as an Army Doctor. He had lost many comrades on the battlefield. Retiring from the army and coming to SI, it had been his goal to fix that problem. The lack of proper medical equipment made saving lives on the field so much harder. Sure Doctor Banner beat him to it, but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was someone cared enough to make that dream come true. Frankly, Arashi could have kissed the man.   
  
“I got to meet Doctor Banner!” Arashi continued to chant and dance.  
  
“A fan huh?”   
  
Arashi froze and turned around to see Bruce had entered the lab again. Professional mask snapped back on, but it did little to stop a grin splitting on to his face. No point. “Perhaps,” Arashi countered. His grin grew larger as he noticed that that time Bruce’s smile did reach his eyes. “I could write essays on why you are awesome Doctor Banner.”  
  
 _‘Exactly those essays do exist. I should probably delete them soon before someone finds them… like Tam,’_ Arashi thought to himself. Turning his attention back to Bruce, he smiled. “What can I help you with, Doctor Banner?” Arashi offered.   
  
“You wouldn’t happen to know where I can find more pipettes do you?” Bruce asked.   
  
“There should be some here,” Arashi said, opening a cabinet. He pulled out an unopened box and disposed on to the oscilloscope. “Ready to crush Section Beta tomorrow, Doctor Banner?”   
  
Bruce tilted his head in confusion. “No?”   
  
Arashi frowned. “Do you know what tomorrow is?”   
  
“The 9th right?”   
  
“Well yes.”  
  
“Thank you,” Bruce said, switching the subject as quickly as he could. “I’ll return these as soon as possible.” He didn’t understand the reference to crushing Section Beta tomorrow but took it as friendly rivalries between the departments, which were something Bruce wanted to avoid. Drama got his heart racing. Never a good thing.   
  
“Take your time,” Arashi reassured.   
  
As Bruce left, Arashi tilted his head to the side in consideration. It seemed Doctor Banner was not aware of the events of tomorrow. That needed to be corrected.   
  
Time left until Nerf War: 18 hours left.


	8. Step 8: First Rule about Nerf War, You don't talk about Nerf War!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of updates. I got really sick these last couple of weeks D: I hope to return to weekly updates after this. I hope.

**Step 8: First Rule about Nerf War, You don't talk about Nerf War!**

* * *

On the morning of the 9th, Tony walked into the kitchen. Instead of someone cooking breakfast (Steve's turn Tony's sleepy mind reminded), the team stood gathered in the living room, looking ready to depart. "About time, sleepyhead," Clint teased. He was sitting on the couch, legs draped across Natasha's lap. Steve and Bruce were on the other couch and Thor stood by the large windows. Coulson had long vanished, most likely battling paperwork at SHIELD.

"Good morning Friend Tony!" Thor boomed. "We are planning to depart to find food!"

"We're going out to eat," Natasha translated.

Tony glanced at the clock. "No that's okay," he said. "You guys go ahead."

"You're saying no to food?" Clint asked in disbelief.

"Is something wrong Tony?" Steve questioned, full of concern.

"No there-" The ping of the elevator rang. Tony duck to the ground, shouting "I'm not here!"

The rest of the Avengers turn to look to see a woman with white hair and blue eyes stepping out of the elevator, carrying a large box. "Excuse me, miss," Steve asked, standing up to approach her. "But who are you and how did you get up here?" She wasn't dressed as a SHIELD agent who should be the only other people who could easily gain access to the upper levels of the Tower that didn't live here already.

"Seika Usuyuki. I work in Accounting," Seika introduced herself. "JARVIS let me up."

"Oh, why are you here?" Steve asked. Unless she was here to track Tony, who was hiding under the couch, there was no reason for a SI employee to come to the upper levels. The only person who did that was Pepper but she was practically an honorary Avenger member.

"This box is for Doctor Banner," Seika explained.

Bruce quickly got to his feet. "Oh is that my oscilloscope?" Seika nodded. "You didn't have to bring it up," Bruce said. "I could have gone down to get it myself."

Seika shrugged after handing the box to Bruce. "It's alright. There was something that I need to discuss with you as well."

"Oh?"

Seika nodded. "But first." She took a deep breath and shouted, "BOSS! You still have forty minutes left. Stop hiding!"

Tony's head popped up, over the couch. "I'm not hiding!" he defended.

Seika crossed her arms. "And once again I remind you this was your idea."

"Well it was fun until you made me a target!" Tony shot back. "I can't even shoot back! Pepper hasn't given mines back and forbade me from building another one!"

"I was informed to make sure it relieved stress and I don't know about you, but I find shooting you very stress relieving," Seika defended.

"Shooting?" Steve asked, alarmed. Why are people shooting at Tony? Why would Pepper take away Tony's only defense? WHY WASN'T TONY USING THE ARMOR?!

"Why do you wish to harm Tony?" Thor demanded to know.

"It's a game," Seika explained. She handed an object to Bruce.

Bruce took it and examined it, turning it over in his hands. "This is a nerf gun," he stated. It was a modified nerf gun at least. The weight felt like a real gun and those are definitely not standard issued nerf darts.

"Yes," Seika said with a nod. "Doctor King informed me yesterday that it seemed that no one explained to you the game to you. It's understandable that no one informed you considering the unorthodox method of how you became an SI employee."

"Doctor King?" Bruce interrupted.

"The person you borrowed the oscilloscope from."

"Ah."

"I do not understand," Thor said. "What is this game and what does that toy have to do with it?"

Seika glared at Tony. "Ten years ago, Mr. Stark thought it would be a great idea to gift every single employee a nerf gun. Naturally, if you give a mouse a cookie, things are gonna go shit crazy. It was completely chaos. We had to shut down the building for a week to sort out the mess."

"You're never going to let me live that down are you?" Tony accused.

Seika gave him a leveled stare. "Sir, with all due respect, we had 40 people quit on us by the end of the week. Five of which came from the accounting department as they tried to reconcile the amount money need to cover the damages. Another ten came from the legal department who were swamped by the 197 lawsuits that were being thrown around. The janitorial department went on strike. That doesn't even include the two million dollars paid out for everyone to get mandated teamwork therapy."

Clint whistled. "That bad huh?"

"The entire week is known by the company as 'Nerf Hell'," Seika replied, glaring.

Tony winced. "Okay yeah I remember that. I swear it was good idea!"

"No it wasn't," Seika snapped. "I was in the room when Miss Potts informed you it was a bad idea. Then after it was all done, you let everyone keep the nerf guns!"

"It was a great way for company bonding!" Tony defended. "You can't deny since the rules were set up that company runs more smoothly. There haven't been any major lawsuits within the company, teamwork is at all time high and all disputes between departments get taken out in our mandated teamwork therapy session and nerf wars!" Then he paused and thought about it. "Why are you even concern about this? You don't work in HR!"

"Because you haven't had an a stable HR department, no you haven't a HR person who last longer than a year in the last eleven years and the paperwork keeps ending up on my desk despite my constant informing to everyone that I'm not in charge of it," Seika pointed out.

"Oh... I could transfer you-"

"Don't you dare."

Privately, Bruce thought to himself, he was starting to believe the only reason SI was a functioning company was because Ms. Usuyuki handled the lower level employees and Pepper handled Tony and the board members. Both he knew came from the Accounting department. Interesting. He also might need to test the hypothesis that SI employees are not **normal**.

Tony frowned. "Is this what you meant by being my favorite?"

" _Yes_ ," Seika said with an exasperated sigh.

"Wait, I thought Lady Pepper was Tony's favorite?" Thor interrupted, a frown of confusion on his face.

"She is," Seika agreed. "Pepper is everyone's favorite. Anyone who messes with Pepper shall... disappear." That was true. Pepper was nearly every employee favorite person in the entire building. Not because she dealt with Tony on a daily basis, but because she dealt with board members on a daily basis. The board members whom 70% of the employees thought were a bunch of idiots, because said board members are constantly pushing for unrealistic deadlines, budget cuts or wanting to return to weapon development. But that was something no one was ever to know about because it'll never leave therapy sessions.

"So," Bruce interrupted, sensing that conversation was beginning to dissolve into something else. "The nerf gun?"

Seika refocused on Bruce. "Oh yes. Sorry. Anyways. Since every employee was given a nerf gun, it was decided to host nerf war tournaments. In the general nutshell, every month, sometimes twice a month if tension is high, there is a companywide nerf war that starts at 9am and ends at closing at 5pm. If you get hit by a dart, you're out for the day. If your department wipes out another department for example if the legal department takes out the PR department, that's 50 points. The department with the most points at the end of the year gets $100,000 dollars for whatever they want to do with their department."

"That sounds like fun!" Clint said, bouncing on his feet. "Can I join?"

"No."

"Why not?"

Before Seika could answer him, the clock struck 9 o'clock and several things happened. First the vent gate fell to the floor. Kai dropped out of the vent, took aim and fired at the unsuspecting Tony who didn't have reflexes to dodge. The instant that dart hit Tony, it exploded spreading a dark blue dust in the air. "Shit!" Tony cursed.

Kai danced. "Sweet! Score for the janitorial department!"

There a sound of glass breaking and suddenly the area around Tony burst into purple dust. It was then followed by arrow that pinned a note to the wall that nicely read 'Fuck you Yamashita'. Kai just stuck his tongue out in the direction the arrow had come from and disappeared back into the air ducts.

Natasha stiffened her laughter as the dust settled to reveal Tony was covered in blue and purple dust from head to toe. "Not a word Romanoff," Tony snapped. "Not a word."

"I should mention that darts when they come in contact with anything, explode into washable edible colored dust. Each department is color coded and is responsible for cleaning anything covered in that dust after the nerf war is done," Seika explained. She took out her clipboard and muttered to herself, "That's 200 points to the janitorial department and 50 points to the shipping department."

"Also, Mr. Stark is an acceptable target. The first person to hit him is awarded 200 points and every hit after that is 50 points. It's one person per hit. He's not allowed to leave the building," Seika explained. Then she took out her own nerf gun and fired it at Tony.

"Et tu Seika!" Tony cried out as a bright yellow dust covered him.

"That's 50 points to the Accounting department," Seika said and checks it off on her clipboard.

"Doctor Banner," JARVIS said. "Doctor King wished for me to inform you that he is waiting on the 39th floor if you want to help take out R&D Department Section Beta."

"Oh thank you, JARVIS," Bruce thanked.

"You're Section Alpha by the way Bruce," Seika said, heading towards the elevator. "Your color is neon green."

"Ms. Usuyuki," JARVIS called out. "The legal department has successfully knocked out R&D Department Section Gamma."

"Thank you JARVIS," Seika said. "That's 50 points to the legal department." She looked at Bruce. "A temporary truce until you reach the 39th floor?"

Bruce smiled. "Sure. Oh wait, but first, this." Bruce fired a dart at Tony.

"Betrayed by my own science bro!" Tony called out in mock hurt as he got coated in a layer of neon green dust.

"It's for the good of company bonding," Bruce joked.

Both he and Seika disappeared into the elevator. As soon as they were gone, Clint turned to Tony and said, "I want to play!"

Tony grabbed a towel from the kitchen and wiped his face. "It's for SI employees only, Barton," Tony pointed out. "That's why Bruce gets to play. He's on payroll."

Natasha frowned. "I was on payroll for awhile. How come I never heard of this?"

Tony looked at her, debating if he should inform her or not. "Because they didn't trust you any further then they could throw you. That and the first rule of nerf war is that you don't talk about nerf war. Unless you're a newbie and your senior is taking pity on you. Usually you learn the rules on the fly. Our version of hazing cause if you can't handle this level of insanity, you're not going to last in long in SI."

"Bruce just got the rules explained to him," Natasha pointed out.

"Because half of the R&D departments have a major crush on him," Tony explained.

"I still want to play!" Clint protested.

"I have a job opening in HR," Tony offered. Clint frowned at the idea of working at HR… working for Tony at all. But at the same time... nerf wars!

"I don't think that would be very fair," Steve said in a disapproving tone. He had no doubt that Clint would be a natural at the game.

 

Tony shrugged. "It'll shake things up. That reminds me. Since Bruce is playing I better change my bet with the Gamble Club." Section Alpha actually had a chance of scoring in the top three this time around. Arashi was a good shot being a former army man but it just paled in comparison to Kai. Bruce wasn't a necessarily good with a gun, but he did have a Hulk and with some planning Bruce could dominate the whole thing. At the very least, Alpha won't be in the bottom three like they normally are. (What a disgrace that Tony's top R&D section usually failed terribly at nerf wars).

"Gamble Club?" everyone chorused.

Tony waved his hand dismissively as he headed toward the elevators. "It's nothing."

"Where are you going?" Clint asked.

Tony pushed the button for the elevator. "To the lobby. If I stay up here, everyone will find a way to convince JARVIS to let them up here and it'll make a mess that I'm going to have to clean up by myself. At least down in the lobby everyone has to help clean. Besides I owe Hotaru a free shot."

After Tony left, Thor looked at his remaining teammates. "While I think it is an excellent way to bond with shield brothers and sisters, is this another Midgardian tradition I am not aware of?" he asked.

Steve shook his head. "No, at least not one I'm familiar with."

"No it isn't," Natasha said. "It just goes to show you that people who work here are insane."

xXxXx

Attempt: 36

"Mr. Yama-!"

_'POOF!'_

Kai grinned sheepishly. "Oops, sorry about that Agent Coulson. Force of habit."

Coulson sputtered, spitting whatever taste like blueberries that had entered his mouth. He looked down to see that he was covered in this dark blue dust. "What is this?" Coulson asked, already dreading the answer.

Kai smiled. "The reason why people don't sneak up me."

"What?!"

"The answer is still no."

xXxXx

_'POOF!'_

"Thank you Mr. Stark!"

"You're welcome Hotaru. Least I can do."

xXxXx

Tam Black was your everyday average mail lady who worked in the shipping department. Her job involved delivering the packages that arrived in the shipping department to the various other departments. Because of that, she knew SI's entire layout like the back of her hand.

That came in extremely handy when fighting in the nerf war.

Honestly, the nerf wars were the one thing that Tam looked forward to every month. If she was feeling nostalgic, it reminded her of battlefields when all she had was her gun to keep her safe. Just without the whole life and death situations and more chaos and fun. Great for therapy she was finding.

_'POOF!' 'POOF!' 'POOF!'_

There was a small part of her that thought the entire thing was a little unfair. After all how many employees had the background training of an army sniper? (With the exception of Kai, who had to be some sort of ninja. It was infuriating that he managed to beat her to hitting Mr. Stark every single month. It was the only reason why the janitorial department came ahead in the competition nearly every year.)

Tam was never one to boast, but she was a pretty damn good markswoman if she had any say about it. Maybe not "world's greatest" like a certain archer superhero, but she could knock a can off a fence 200 feet away.

So really? The nerf war was child's play.

"That should be another 50 points to the shipping department," Tam said to herself. The entire room was covered in a purple dust. One person had fainted in the corner, after Tam had popped from around the corner. Another tried to run away and managed to trip over a chair and knocked themselves unconscious. The last person just ran straight into the door. R&D department Section Omega had only three people in it, and it was easy targeting. Most of the R&D sections were actually.

If Tam was the type of person to express her feelings, she would be dancing a victory dance. Speaking of victory dances, Tam turned the corner spotted Arashi and Bruce down the hall. Arashi who saw her, paled.

"You wouldn't Tam," he called out.

"Who is she?" Bruce whispered.

"Someone we should have never run into," Arashi answered.

Tam let a grin slip on to her face. "You ask me that every month, Arashi. Of course I would."

"We served together for eight years!"

Tam's grin grew wider. "And?"

Arashi paled further. "Shit! Run Doctor Banner!"

_'POOF! POOF!'_

xXxXx

Veer stalked the hallway, peering around the corner carefully. It was only his third nerf war (the first four didn't count because Kit was a horrible taskmaster and didn't bother explaining anything to him at all. It was only after she realized after the fourth war that he didn't get it that she took pity explained some of the finer rules. It also explained why everyone laughed every time he asked why he was given a nerf gun on the first day of the job.)

Ah ha! He found someone. Veer took aim and _POOF!_ Orange dust exploded everywhere.

"Matt?!" A tomboy-looking girl popped out from the room. She rushed over to check her partner.

"Sorry Chris, looks like I'm out," Matt apologized.

"Don't worry," Chris said. "I'll get him."

Veer felt a shiver go down his spine at Chris's threat. He just realized who exactly he hit. That was Matthew Hays from R&D Section Sigma who had a very protective girlfriend in the form of one Christine 'Chris' Evans.

Veer paled and squeaked before darting away. "Come back here you brat!" Chris roared, chasing after him.

Right, left. Down the stairs! Right! DAMNIT DEADEND!

Veer turned around. Guess his time was up. "Got you know!" Chris cooed.

Veer braced himself for impact. POOF! Veer opened his eyes. He heard the sound of a dart hitting, but didn't feel anything. Chris stood before him covered in orange dust and spluttering.

Looking past the scientist, Veer saw Kit standing behind her. "Boss?" he said, surprised.

"I'll get you next time, Cornet!" Chris vowed with a laugh. Then she turned serious and glared at Veer. "You too newbie."

"Not in your life, Evans," Kit shot back.

"Yeah yeah. The IT department only does a little bit better than the Section Sigma," Chris said with a grin.

Kit snorted. "Please we at least rank in the top twenty departments. That's the problem with having a small department."

Chris laughed. "True. Until like Sigma who's only got five people, you guys have at least 15." She left, in good spirits and waving.

"Boss?" Veer started, after she was gone.

Kit looked at her assistant and patted him on the shoulder. "C'mon. The day isn't nearly after over yet."

"Yes ma'am!"

xXxXx

Clint was determined to join the nerf war. It sounded awesome and why on Earth would Tony keep it from him? All he had to do was to find someone who was out with a nerf gun. Then convince JARVIS to let him play, assignment to whoever's nerf gun department. That should be pretty easy.

He dropped out of the vent and ran straight in Coulson who was covered in dark blue dust. "What happened to you sir?" Clint asked, amused.

"Do you want to explain to me why this entire building seemed to have gone crazy?" Coulson asked.

"Well..." _'POOF! POOF!'_ Clint didn't get a chance to explain before his entire vision became filled with pink dust. He spun around to see who had the balls to hit him.

"Sir," Clint began, turning to look at Coulson who was covered in pink and blue dust. Clint had a growing suspicion he looked just as ridiculous. "Did we just get attacked by a guy in a pink bunny suit?"

"I'm still trying to figure out if this is a nightmare or not," Coulson dryly answered.

xXxXx

Ita hopped down the hallway. Score! He just managed to hit Agent Barton and Agent Coulson!

xXxXx

Steve wasn't worried; just concerned. Bruce was playing the game somewhere in the building. Clint had disappeared into the vents, saying he wanted to join and Tony was downstairs somewhere. Natasha decided she didn't want any part of it and Thor... Thor was content with poptarts for breakfast. So he was just going to check up on them. If Clint had decided to join, well it wouldn't be very fair for the world's greatest marksman to joining.

He was riding the elevator down, before it pinged to a stop. Steve stepped back to make room in the elevator for whoever wanted to go down.

_'POOF! POOF!'_

The elevator was filled with orange dust. "THAT WAS FOR ALPHA!" someone shouted.

The elevator doors closed. It opened again at the lobby and instantly the elevator was filled with red dust.

"Oops, sorry Mr. Rogers," Hotaru apologized.

"It's alright Mrs. Yamashita," Steve said.

Tony snickered as he looked up from the book he had been reading. "I see Kit got you, Captain."

"You're one to talk," Steve shot back. Tony looked like a rainbow, covered head to toe in different colors.

Tony shrugged. "It's usually worse than this. Hotaru is proving to be a very good bodyguard."

"I try," Hotaru said with a smile.

Tony looked at his watch. "And we're down to the last couple minutes anyways. Think Kai and Tam have shot each other yet?"

Hotaru shook her head. "Nah. Last I time I check, they were still at stalemate on the 40th floor."

"And you people do this every month?" Steve asked in disbelief.

"It's a great stress reliever," Hotaru said.

"Three," Tony counted down. Finally the day was over and soon Tony can go back upstairs and shower.

"Two."

"One."

The clocks chimed 5 o'clock.

Time Remaining Until Next Nerf War: 30 days.

 


	9. Step 9: Red was banned from talking to Thor again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well finally have a clean bill of health. ;3 Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Richard ‘Red’ O’Callaghan grinned to himself to see that he had his own specific rule in the ‘How to Survive Being a SI Employee’ handbook. It made him extremely giddy.  
  
He thought back to the three days ago when the whole mess had started. You see, Red worked as a test developer for Stark Industries. It was a risky job one where it could end his life but since Red usually pulled off death defying stunts as his side job as a magician, one could say he was a bit of an adrenaline junkie. Not to mention the buzz from the nerf war hadn’t really died down yet.  
  
But Section Beta made a hoverboard!  
  
How on earth was Red gonna say no to that?  
  
Red snapped on his red goggles over his eyes and grinned. He revved up the hoverboard and immediately shot off. He had ten glorious seconds of flight, before it spun out of control and Red went flying into the person who walking in the fall. It just so happened that that person was Thor.  
  
Which was a good thing cause Thor caught Red before Red could go slamming into the wall and possibly breaking a few bones.  
  
“Whoa, thanks for the save,” Red said. “That was a close one!”  
  
Thor gave him a curious look. “What were you trying to do?” the thunder god asked.  
  
“Flying” Red answered as if it was the simplest thing in the world.  
  
“Indoors?” Thor was fairly confident that flying indoors was looked down upon as it was in Asgard.  
  
Red gave him a cheeky grin. “Not allow to take that nifty device outside yet. Probably a good thing though.” He dusted himself off and made a note to tell Section Beta it had a lot of kinks left. “So what can I do you for Thunder God?”  
  
Thor blinked and stared at him.  
  
Red took pity and elaborated his sentence. “You Avengers don’t venture down into lower levels of the tower often. So clearly you’re looking for someone or something.”  
  
“Ah! Yes!” Thor agreed. “I wish buy something from the store. Lady Pepper usually accompanies me there as your Migardians prices and currency are confusing at time. However she away on battle, defeating these monsters everyone refers to as board members.” Red stifled his laughter at the thought of Miss Potts battling “board members” who were definitely monsters as Thor explained them. She was damn good at it too.  
  
“So I am seeking out Lady Seika! She seemed to understand the ways of currency and business. I was informed that she was on this floor,” Thor explained.  
  
“I see. Well you just missed her,” Red explained. “What are planning to buy?” It was almost... strange to see superheroes like Thor doing mundane human things like shopping.  
  
“Poptarts!”  
  
Poptarts? POPTARTS? Oh Red had to see. “How about this, I’ll help you buy poptarts from the store,” he offered.  
  
Thor frowned. “Are you not busy? I do wish to prevent you from finishing your job.”  
  
Red patted Thor on the arm. Damn those were some muscles. “Don’t worry about it big guy. I have to run out to buy myself lunch anyways.” He tossed the hoverboard and his goggles back into the testing room.  
  
“Alright then,” Thor conceded.  
  
“So how many boxes of poptarts do you want to pick up?” Red asked, as they headed down the stairs.  
  
“Sixty Seven!”  
  
Sixty Seven... why on earth would he need sixty seven boxes of poptarts?! “Ooookay,” Red said. “As long as you don’t turn into a cat and start pooping rainbows, I won’t ask.”  
  
Thor frowned again. “I do not understand this reference.”  
  
Red stared at him. “Wait... seriously?” That needed to be corrected!

Tony stumbled back into the Tower, tired and with a headache. Pepper had dragged him off to board member meetings all day, followed up by god forbid paperwork. Afterwards, Tony stopped by The Peggy Carter Institution to check on the kids there. He was happy to learn they were all flourishing there. The kids were taking to learning like a duck took to water, in a safe environment where the threat of being sold or worse killed didn’t loom over their heads. It didn’t surprise him to find out that Bruce had stopped by earlier in the week to help paint the dorm rooms into every child’s favorite color. When one of the youngest kids shyly handed him a picture of Iron Man she drew, it warmed Tony’s heart in more ways he can describe.  
  
All in all, it had been a very tiring day. There was nothing Tony wanted more than a cup of coffee and perhaps a movie.  
  
That was completely thrown out the window as soon as he entered the living room area.  
  
“NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN!”  
  
“Friend Tony!” Thor greeted. “I have learned this wonderful what was it called? A meme!”  
  
Tony just stared. Then he shouted over the music.  
  
“WHO THE HELL INTRODUCE THOR TO NYAN CAT?!”


	10. Step 10: There are two meanings for the “Building Under Attack” Drill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for disappearing off the face of the earth. Real life got messy. Trying to get back into updating this weekly like before. We finally hit the final arc and look all of a sudden PLOT! Also the next couple chapters targets and makes fun of the Army. I mean no offense. It's purely for the sake of story.

 

Hotaru knew a soldier when she saw one. She had grown up in a neighborhood where Army families were constantly moving in and out of the place. By the time she was ten, she could tell which spouse was serving and which one wasn’t; she knew which families enforced the same iron clad control in their home and which ones didn’t, even which children who would follow in their parent’s footsteps. Their training made them stand out in their crowd from their gait to their control and ingrained but predictable habits. Frankly the ones that had the training but none of the predictably, none of the obvious signs were the dangerous ones.

 

Like her husband for example. Like half of the employees who worked in the building.

 

A predictable soldier was nothing more a gear in a well oiled machine, nothing more than a cannon folder.

 

The people standing before her were predictable soldiers. “Hello,” Hotaru greeted with a smile. “How may I help you?”

 

They at least had the sense to dress as normal civilians which put them a notch above the idiotic criminals who pull this crap with her twice a week. There are three of them standing in front of her, another lingering by the door pretending to read the pamphlets. Three more were scattered outside, one reading a newspaper, one talking on the phone and one eating lunch.

 

“We’re here to see Doctor Banner,” one of them spoke up.

 

Obviously. Hotaru was not an idiot. She read the papers, saw the news, and had enough logic and common sense to have seen this would have happened as soon as she saw the footage on the TV this morning.

 

“I’m sorry, Doctor Banner is not in the building at the present moment,” Hotaru answered. “Mr. Stark took all of the Avengers out to lunch.” Hotaru made sure to stress the word ‘Avengers’ in hopes that a strike of enlightenment would hit those idiots and make them reconsider whatever they were planning.

 

“We can wait,” the fool replied.

 

Well so much for that. “I’m afraid I don’t know when they will be returning,” Hotaru said. “Mr. Stark mentioned taking a plane to Japan for sushi and sake in celebration for their latest victory over the aliens. They could be back tomorrow or next week, I’m afraid.” This was technically a lie. She knew the Avengers were upstairs, too tired and battered to move after their fight. Hotaru also knew Agent Coulson was out on a food run.

 

“I see,” the idiot... the leader of the group said. He picked up the snow globe sitting on her desk. With a small shake the white glitter whirled around the small snowman inside. “We will check back tomorrow then.”

 

“Of course,” Hotaru said with a smile. Inwardly though she’s cursing them because that snow globe was a surprise, I-just-wanted-to-get-you-something, gift from Kai. It was something those idiots shouldn’t even be touching with their grubby hands. Not to mention she was now going to have to break it in order to “accidentally” fry the listening bug that the… the… dunderhead just stuck on there.

 

She waved as they exited, all of them leaving discretely except for the one reading the newspaper. Soon, Agent Coulson entered, juggling several boxes of food in his hands.

 

“Good day Agent Coulson,” Hotaru called out. “Here let me help you with that.”

 

“Hello, Mrs. Yamashita,” Coulson greeted. “And thank you.”

 

“It isn’t a problem,” Hotaru said. She cleared her throat and spoke in a slightly louder tone, one she knew the bug would pick up. “The Accounting Department mentioned you would be stopping by for round two of ‘Who is going pay for the damages done to roof garden’. Food was a good start. Smart move.”

 

She led Agent Coulson to the elevator and entered with him. To his credit, Coulson didn’t say anything until the doors closed. “What was that about?” he asked.

 

“I need to speak to Mr. Stark. He isn’t picking up his phone,” Hotaru offered. Partly true. She hadn’t tried calling him, not with the bug in place, but knew after most major battles no one was going to be in condition to answer phones.

 

Coulson accepted her excuse and punched in the code to access the upper floors. The ride was silent and soon the doors open to the upper floors. Hotaru could feel her annoyance and anger slowly starting to ebb away.

 

She stepped out with Coulson, hearing the cheers of ‘Food!’ from the tired Avengers. It was only when she stopped to take a look at them that her anger returned with vengeance. It wasn’t the fact that they look so broken and beaten, no frankly Hotaru was use to seeing people coming home more hurt than when they left (it was an awkward phase of dating Kai.) No, it was their positions that upset her.

 

Bruce was asleep in the dead center of the room. Thor was behind him and Steve and Tony were in front of him. Natasha was in clear line of the elevator and Clint was facing the windows, bow and quiver nearby. They were all protecting Bruce.  Hotaru suppressed the strangled sound in her throat and grew furious at the idiots who had just been standing in front of her.  

 

Because if even half of the news was correct, yesterday during the alien invasion Hulk got hit the most, which meant Bruce got hurt the most, which meant Hulk was even angrier, which meant there was even more damage than usual. Inevitably, the blind idiots who thought the Hulk was dangerous woke up from their sleep. The goddamn army showing up in her lobby was the final straw.

 

Hotaru took a deep breath and forced herself to calm down. ‘Nothing is going to happen,’ she reassured herself. ‘Just look at their positions, they’re protective of each other. Nothing is going to happen. Not without a fight.’

 

“Hotaru?” Tony asked, snapping her out of her thoughts. “Why are you up here?”

 

Hotaru had worked for Mr. Stark long enough to catch the worried undertones in his question. Her presence here, was an anomaly; something to worry about. She smiled. There was no need to alarm everyone just yet. For all she knew, it was just a precautionary on the Army’s part and they weren’t at fault... yet.

 

“I want to request a building under attack drill,” Hotaru said.

 

Tony gave her a confused look. “We just had one.” Yes she knew. This past Tuesday in fact.

 

Hotaru’s smile strained a little. “I insist.” Hotaru watched as a sharp look appeared on Tony’s face and knew he understood her words. She knew her little sentence probably set off all of the Avengers. Agent Coulson most likely put together most of the pieces by now.

 

“Sure, just send out the email,” Tony started. “No wait, let me do that. Actually come with me Hotaru. I need you to actually type it up cause I’m not gonna be able to word it properly but you’ll need my account to spam everyone with it.”

 

Hotaru smiled. “Of course, Mr. Stark.” If she was feeling honest, a part of her giggled like a child tattling on their sibling who just stole a cookie from the cookie jar at the simple fact she was about to unleash the Avengers and an entire building of capable employees on the Army.  

 

\---------------------------------------------

 

Throughout the building, everyone began reading their emails. Those who could read in between the lines and knew what it was implying summed up the situation neatly in one little word.

 

“Fuck.”

 


	11. Step 11: Army Swamy, only idiots attack Stark Industries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the well wishes from anyone. :3 I hope you enjoy the chapter.

So after a week of trying to be subtle with Hotaru (“Oh I’m sorry Doctor Banner has been quarantine.” “Oh, they just left on an Avengers-related mission.” “I’m sorry but Doctor Banner said if we disturb him, the universe might explode due to the sensitivity of his experiment.”), the army gave up trying to go through the front door.  
  
Well they still used the front door, they just waited until it was nighttime and Hotaru wasn’t there to stop them.  
  
“Team Alpha reporting: we are in.”  
  
Quickly and quietly a group of ten armed men slipped into the quiet building.

  
  
xXxXxXx

  
  
Arashi was over the moon. He was working with Doctor Banner on a project. It was a dream came true. He was surprised when Doctor Banner had asked him for help on the next medical equipment project. As it turned out, Doctor Banner didn’t have a real doctor’s license, just things he had pick up through his travels throughout the years. Arashi made several gleeful notes to test the full extent of some of those herbal medicines Doctor Banner had learned.  
  
‘I could kiss this man,’ Arashi thought to himself. ‘He is amazing and wonderful and the army is full of idiots for not realizing just how much of a genius this man is. Perhaps I should submit my essay on why Doctor Banner is awesome anonymous to the Avenger magazine... no Tam will find it and never let me live it down. Online maybe? There are plenty of forum boards. Oh screw it; think about it later. YOU’RE WORKING TOGETHER WITH DOCTOR BANNER! YOU HAVE A MEDICINE BRO!’  
  
Then Tam had to go and ruin it all. Of course.  
  
“Tam?” Arashi said as his best friend burst into his lab. “What are you doing here? Didn’t you have a date?” Inwardly he was sobbing that his best friend would torment him like this. She couldn’t be that mad at him for telling Asho some of her deepest and darkest secrets could she? Look at how much it improved their relationship! She should be happy!  
  
“Hello Arashi, Doctor Banner,” Tam greeted. Bruce gave a wary hello. “Oh I told Asho I was going to be a little late. And yes, Arashi I’m still angry about what you told Asho,” she said. She reached under a shelf and brought out a magazine clip.  
  
“Are those bullets?” Arashi asked, alarmed. When did Tam start storing bullets in his lab? More importantly while on earth did she need them now?  
  
“Traqs, actually,” Tam said. She dropped the empty clip to the floor and reloaded the new one in her gun. Then she marched back over to the door, leaned out and shot two rounds.  
  
“Who are you shooting at?” Bruce asked, growing alarmed as well.  
  
Tam turned and gave Bruce a small sincere smile. Arashi suppressed the shudder that ran down his spine. Tam normally didn’t bother expressing emotions. It was harsh of him but the truth. Tam always had a blank slate of disinterest in the world around her. The only person who provoked emotional responses from her like a normal person was Asho. (It was how Arashi knew he was the one for Tam. He would never let her live down that stunned besotted look on her face after she met Asho.) The best Arashi got from Tam was glimmer of emotions reflected in her eyes and small twitches of her mouth of half form smiles and frowns. To see her openly expressive anything was strange and worrisome.

 

 “Just some idiots,” she remarked. “Nothing to worry about.”  
  
“Nothing to worry about?” Arashi asked. That was exactly something to worry about!  
  
Tam reached behind some machines and tossed another gun toward Arashi. “Here.” Then she opened up another drawer and took out another two clips. “If you’re going to insist, why don’t we show Doctor Banner the proper procedure for Building Under Attack Drill?”  
  
Arashi paled and knew exactly what she was talking about.

 

“Building Under Attack Drill?” Bruce asked.  
  
“Oh, since you Avengers formed, the building gets destroyed more often than most. The company decided to add it to the mandatory drills,” Tam explained. She leaned out of the door again and shot two more shots.  
  
“I believe, Miss Black, that you have hit them all,” JARVIS voice rang in the room.  
  
Tam blinked. “Already? Oh.” She counted on her fingers, muttering to herself. “Ambushed one in the hall knocked two more unconscious. Shot three of them in the intersection of halls and two more after the reload. Oh then last two. Huh, that is ten.”  
  
Arashi peered out of his lab; the gun loosely in his hand should anyone get up after being hit by Tam. His eyebrow rose once he recognized those uniforms the robbers were wearing. “Are those...?” he asked.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
Arashi sighed. “This is why I quit,” he said irritably. They just ruined a perfect night, working with Doctor Banner.  
  
“This is why you should have let me shoot the bastard before we left,” Tam pointed out.  
  
Arashi glared at her. “Excuse me for liking having my best friend out of prison.”  
  
Tam shrugged. “He wouldn’t be targeting your crush.”  
  
“I do not have a crush!” Arashi protested. He wilted under Tam’s level stare. “Okay I do, but not that kind!”  
  
“What are you two talking about?” Bruce interrupted. Arashi flushed a brilliant shade of red. “Who are those people breaking into Stark Industries? What were they after?” Bruce continued.  
  
“I’m going to tie them up!” Arashi shouted. He grabbed a roll of duct tape and darted out of the lab.  
  
Tam snorted. “Oh he definitely has a crush,” she muttered to herself. Turning to Doctor Banner, she said, “Don’t worry too much about it. People attempt to break into this place all the time.”  
  
Bruce gave her a look that said he didn’t fully believe what she was saying. Tam simply ignored it. “JARVIS,” she called out.  
  
“Yes Miss Black?” the AI answered.  
  
“Could you call the police please?” Tam asked.  
  
“They are already on their way.”  
  
“Thank you.”

xXxXxXx

  
Later, Team Beta managed to rescue Team Alpha before the police managed to arrive. “What the happened?” Bob, the leader of Team Beta asked Adam the leader of Team Alpha.  
  
Adam gave him a haunted look. “We ran into Black Angel and the Storm King.”

 

Bob drew in a sharp breath. “You’re kidding.”  
  
Joe from Team Beta gave a skeptic look. “I thought they were just legends.”

 

 Black Angel and Storm King were gossiped as some sort of perfect soldiers in the army. They had the highest number of completed missions and more black lines on their files than actual words. There were some outrageous tales about them that the older soldiers used to terrify new recruits.  
  
“No,” Bob corrected. “They’re real. I was there that day in Iraq when Black Angel rescued the Storm King by herself. Every single gunman was taken down with a single bullet to the head. She left no one alive. That’s why they call her Black Angel; she descents to battlefields like a fallen angel with a rainfall of bullets that never miss.”  
  
Adam gave a sharp laugh. He ran a shaky hand through his black hair. “Storm King isn’t without his strengths either. There isn’t a terrain he couldn’t operate on. Rain, shine, snow or desert, I saw the man operate on my best friend’s leg in the middle of enemy fire and Black Angel taking down everyone who entered in her range. Everyone else in the unit didn’t have to do a thing. We were too fucking scare to do anything.”  
  
Sam from Team Alpha was rocking back and forth in his little space. “The Storm King woke me up,” he whispered. “I was one of the guys who didn’t get hit by the traqs and he woke me up to tell me how he was going to dissect me into parts if we came after Bruce Banner again. Then he knocked me out again,” he said hysterically. “Or at least that’s all I hope he did to me. It was a known fact that he was skilled in poisons.”  
  
“I don’t care if I get court martial or discharged. You can’t even pay me to go back into the damn building,” Adam said. “It was one thing if it was the Avengers; it’s another thing if it was Black Angel and Storm King. Together? I aint going anywhere near there.”  
  
“Black Angel and Storm King,” Ed from Team Alpha said hauntingly. “They’re supposed to be the **normal** ones. Fucking normal humans with the same training as us. We didn’t even stand a chance against Black Angel and we were expected to take on the Avengers who has fucking Captain America, an alien god and the goddamn Hulk?!”  
  
Joe kindly summarized the one looming thought that hung in the back of everyone’s head.  
  
“General Ross isn’t going to like this.”


	12. Step 12: Watching your boss kick butt is a legitimate use of work time

**Step 12: Watching your boss kick butt is a legitimate use of work time**  
  
It wasn’t often that Stark Industries was closed for the day. No wait that was a lie, it closed at least once a month for the nerf war and the destruction of the Tower due to super villains attacks kept it closed for brief random periods. However this current closure didn’t line up with a nerf war nor was there any part of the building that had been destroyed. Well the lobby was destroyed again but at this point it was becoming a common occurrence.   
  
No, after much pleading with one iron hand accountant (who eventually agreed once someone told her why they wanted it), SI was closed for the day and every single employee was glued to the TV. Break rooms were filled to the max, people fighting to spots, popcorn was made and general chaos descended upon the building. A few more ambitious people either built their own working TVs or went to the store and bought one for themselves.   
  
Why was every employee glued to the TV?  
  
Because their boss was on TV kicking butt.   
  
\--------------------------------------------------------  
  
Tony Stark was pissed. He also knew he wasn’t the only one. In fact from the bystander’s point of view, all of the Avengers were a little more vicious than usual.   
  
Their enemy?   
  
The United States of America Army.   
  
Why?  
  
Because these bastards had the nerve to kidnap Bruce. Bruce rarely left the Tower on his own accord. It was always for missions, for SHIELD, or the few times the team managed to drag him out to eat. But Bruce never left the Tower on his own, even if it was to run to the store or across the street for ice cream and coffee. The Tower had become a safe haven for Bruce in the last year.   
  
So the one time Bruce felt brave enough, safe enough to cross the street to get ice cream, the army ambushed him. (AT MIMI’S ICE CREAM NO LESS! TRAVESTY!) Hulk naturally made an appearance and managed to destroy a few dozen tanks and airplanes. By the time the Avengers put together the pieces, the Hulk was miles away with the army in pursuit. By the time the Avengers arrived, the army had dragged off a drugged up Bruce to the nearest base, Fort Soren.   
  
Steve, sweet innocent America’s golden boy was actually first in line to tell Fury that no they were not standing down or returning back to the Tower without Bruce with them. Then they proceeded to break into a secured Army Base and do as much damage as possible. Coulson was encouraging them the entire way, so as far as Tony was concerned, this was all the clearance they needed.   
  
Tony focused on turning over the tank firing at him and his teammates to its side. Behind him, Natasha was knocking out soldier after soldier. Clint was up on the building, shooting down airplanes with Thor. Steve was practically bowling through soldiers like they were pins in an alley.

  
Good old Phil was leading them through the comm through the base’s layout.   
  
They were getting Bruce back, no matter what.   
  
\-----------------------------------------  
R &D Department Section Sigma  
  
“GO BOSS GO!”  
  
“HELL YA!”  
  
“Holy shit, Thor just tore apart a tank.”  
  
“Oh my god... Are they going to be alright?”  
  
“Someone pass the ice cream please!”  
  
\-------------------------------------------  
  
Seika’s Office  
  
“So...,” Ita started. He was folding origami as he watched the live stream on Seika’s computer. “How much paperwork are we looking at?”  
  
Seika who had dropped her head to her desk, moaned. “Too much.”  
  
“How much is gonna cost the company?”  
  
“Too much.”  
  
“How upset are you gonna be if I sue General Ross?”  
  
“... Not as much.”   
  
“Do you need a hug?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
\------------------------------------------------------  
  
R&D Department Section Alpha   
  
Arashi sat on the edge of the seat watching the TV. “You’re right,” he moaned. “I should have let you shoot General Ross.”  
  
Tam who was sitting next to him on the couch they managed to drag into his lab, didn’t bother answer him. Instead she knew another dart, landing it dead center on General Ross picture.   
  
“I can’t believe they were stupid enough to capture Doctor Banner,” Arashi muttered. “I knew they had been watching him but after that last attempt did they not take your threats seriously? I mean if they were no match for you, how on earth did they expect to stand up to the Avengers? Did they seriously think the Avengers weren’t going to do anything?”   
  
“They didn’t think. That’s the problem.”  
  
Arashi watched as Captain America tossed a soldier to the side and winced. Even if they were just trying to do their jobs, they were going to hurt like hell in the morning. Honestly those soldiers should be running away from the fight, not jumping into it. “Those poor guys.”   
  
\---------------------------------------------  
  
Janitorial Break room  
  
“I’ll cook dinner tonight if boss punches General Ross first.”  
  
“Deal. Agent Barton is gonna beat him to it.”  
  
The Yamashitas sat together, munching popcorn as they watch the news. Hotaru smiled smugly as Clint came swooping onto the screen and landed a punch on General Ross who had just arrived on the field and barking orders.   
  
“See!”  
  
“Damn it!”  
  
\------------------------------------------------------  
Seika’s Office.  
  
“Hmmm... think I should still sue General Ross?”  
  
Ita looked to see Seika hadn’t lifted her head from her desk. “Seika?” he asked, slightly worried.   
  
“I’m taking a vacation. I’m not going to deal with this aftermath. Someone else can deal with this.”    
  
Ita smiled and reached over to pat his fiancée on the shoulder. “You always say that.”  
  
“I mean it!”   
  
“If you didn’t quit after boss announced to the world that he was Iron Man or after Loki and the Chitauri attacked, you’re not going to let anyone else deal with the aftermath. Beside we only have to deal with the paperwork, Asho is the one who is being thrown to the pack of wolves,” Ita pointed out. PR was going to have a field day.   
  
Seika drew in a breath. “I’m insane aren’t I?”  
  
Ita looked down at the finished rainbow colored scarf he had just finished knitting. He waited as the building erupted into a joyous cry over Clint punching General Ross. “Seika, dear, I think you’re the sanest of everyone in the building,” he answered truthfully.  
  
\---------------------------------  
  
IT Department  
  
“Oh my god, he just punched an Army General,” Veer said, wide eyed.   
  
“Damn, I just lost my bet in the Gamble Club. I was so sure Mr. Stark would be the first one,” Kit muttered to herself.   
  
“He just punched an Army General!” Veer explained.   
  
“You said that already.”   
  
“HE JUST PUNCHED AN ARMY GENERAL!”  
  
Kit stared at Veer. “Is this going to become a problem?” she asked.   
  
Veer rapidly pointed between the TV and Kit. “It’s... you... I...”   
  
Kit shook her head. “You can handle the nerf wars but not when the Avengers do something like this. You still have much to learn.”  
  
\-----------------------------------  
Seika’s Office  
  
The phone rang and as soon as Seika saw the number, she answered, placing the call on speaker. “Pepper,” she whined into the phone.   
  
“How are you holding up Seika?” Pepper’s concerned voice came out.   
  
Seika looked at the TV where Natasha had just entered the building and at Ita who was currently pinning together a Rainbow Dash plushie pattern. “I want to quit,” she answered.   
  
Pepper had to nerve to chuckle. “You say that after major shakeup Tony does to the company. It hasn’t changed since he took it over.”   
  
Seika made another whining sound. “A vacation at least?”   
  
“Don’t listen to her Pepper!” Ita called out.   
  
“I need you working on this, Seika,” Pepper said. “So how much money are we losing over the fact that you authorized the closure of the building?”  
  
“I’m currently estimating over $77,000,000,” Seika moaned. “It’s probably gonna cost more later though. The Army is probably gonna sue the company just because it’s the most visible target even though SHIELD is the one responsible for the Avengers. We’re probably gonna settle it out of court. Not to mention thanks to their jumping of Doctor Banner outside of SI, the front garden needs to be repaired... again. Hotaru Yamashita needs a new desk because when she came in this morning the remains of a tank had crushed it. The front door is gone and there are craters in the street. Ita is looking into trying to bill the Army for it since they were the ones who attacked in the first place.”  
  
Pepper hummed in understanding on the other side of the line. “Anything else?” she asked.   
  
“The phones have been ringing nonstop since the news coverage started,” Ita said. “Apparently they are people who want to know if the news is real or not.”  
  
“Well if I didn’t know Tony and the Avengers,” Pepper said clearly amused by the entire situation. “I would think this was some hoax too.”   
  
“Director Fury is also on line one,” Seika whimpered. “Not sure why he called my office, but I’m starting to think he just dialed departments until he found someone who would answer. I haven’t picked up the line since... not sure if he’s still there.” The minute the footage broken news stations, Director Fury had called. Seika had answered, heard “WHAT--” and promptly put the director of SHIELD on hold.  
  
“I see. Well since I just landed,” Pepper said. “I’ll handle Fury.”  
  
“Thank you!” Seika said in relief.   
  
“I’ll get there in about an hour,” Pepper said. “And guys? You are recording this right?”  
  
Ita grinned. “Of course.”  
  
“Good I missed the first hour.”   
  
\--------------------------------------------------  
  
Natasha darted through the hallways. She flipped the first soldier who came across her path, before swinging him into two charging at her from down the hall. They fell to the ground like bowling pins. She turned the corner, a quick jab to the stomach had soldier down.   
  
Approaching to a steel door, Natasha picked the lock open.   
  
“Natasha?”   
  
She let loose the breath she holding in relief. “Bruce, are you alright?” she said. Inside the cell she had found Bruce, looking worn and beaten. She noticed he was shaking, trembling but otherwise there were no obvious injuries she could see.   
  
“I’m fine,” the doctor mumbled. “Why are you here?”   
  
Natasha frowned. “We’re here to rescue you,” she said. She swung his arm around her shoulder and helped Bruce to his feet. Natasha grew concern as she felt his body shake and wobble. His skin felt hot to the touch. A fever perhaps?  
  
“Oh. Thank you,” Bruce feebly said.   
  
Natasha allowed herself to smile. Outside she can hear Tony firing off another one of his repulsors. Lightning crackled across the sky, Thor’s work no doubt. She can hear the humming of Steve’s shield approaching closer and those explosions can only belong to Clint’s arrows.   
  
“Let’s get you home Bruce.”


	13. Step 13: Conviction and Loyalty, these are the reasons to stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I really need to keep to my word to update this better. Longer I put it off the more I want to rewrite everything and if I do that, then you guys will never see the end of this story because I simply don't have the time anymore.
> 
> Anyways, I have mix feelings about this chapter, I did when I first wrote it, I still do. If you're looking for humor, this chapter is sorely lacking in it. Rather this chapter had a more serious tone to it but nevertheless I hope you enjoy.

**Step 13: Conviction and Loyalty, these are the reasons to stay**

"Boss, is that really something you should be doing?" Veer asked hesitantly. "Isn't this illegal?"

Kit hummed to herself; her fingers flying across keyboard. Files flickered across the screen as she dug deeper and deeper. "If you don't want to be considered as my partner in crime, you can take the rest of the day off Veer," she stated, not breaking her concentration. She paused long enough to stare at a name that popped up on her screen. Frowning she saved the window and continued on. That name, it couldn't be a coincidence that it showed up again. Kit saved it for later, when Veer wasn't in the room.

"It's just... why are you doing it?" Veer asked.

"Because I offered to," Kit answered. "Because Mr. Stark... because we are protecting JARVIS."

Veer blinked. Protecting JARVIS? "Why? Why are you protecting JARVIS?" Why does JARVIS need protection?

Kit stopped typing. She swiveled her chair around to face Veer. "Veer," she said in a serious tone. "What was the first thing I told you when you started working?"

"That whatever happens at SI, stays at SI," Veer answered.

"What do you understand as?"

"That I shouldn't be telling other people what I'm working on."

Kit shook her head. "True, but there's so much more. There are things you learn here, things you do, that are best left unsaid."

"Like hacking into Army databases?" Veer pointed out.

"Like hacking into Army databases." Kit looked Veer straight in the eyes. "What I am about to tell you, doesn't leave this room," she said. "If I find out that somehow you let it slip, I will kill you. They won't even find a body. You never mention this to anyone, especially your father. Do you understand?"

Veer gulped and nodded. "Yes ma'am."

"Good. First, how big do you think JARVIS is? That is, what do you think he's capable? Is he dangerous?" Kit asked. She turned half of her attention back to the computer screen, punching in a few more commands while keeping a careful eye on Veer's reaction.

"I don't know," Veer answered truthfully. "Isn't he like the Smart House from that Disney Channel movie? Not exactly dangerous but in control of the entire building?"

"Wrong," Kit replied. "JARVIS is much bigger than then that. Think like... Skynet from Terminator big. When people whisper of how JARVIS is the greatest AI in the world, they really mean it. He is the single most complex... person I have ever met. Alpha... Alpha was like a tiny atom compared to JARVIS. You'll notice that Mr. Stark has never released anything regarding JARVIS to the public. That everything that anyone knows about JARVIS is through hearsay or experienced themselves. That's why you don't think he's anything bigger than Smart House. Imagine if the Army learned that JARVIS was that big? They would want to turn him into a weapon. The government already demands Mr. Stark to hand over the blueprints to the Iron Man armor on a daily basis."

"Oh... how..." Veer trailed off.

"Do I know JARVIS won't go rogue one day?" Kit finished wryly.

Veer looked sheepish. "Yeah."

"I believe he won't," she honestly answered. Her attention returned back to her computer screen, the tapping of the keys filling the air once more.

"Thank you Miss Cornet," JARVIS voice echoed in the room. Veer jumped, surprised by this. Several months after meeting JARVIS for the first time, Veer still wasn't use to hearing JARVIS voice coming from nowhere.

Kit fondly petted the wall. "You welcome JARVIS. Now stop looking over my digital shoulder. Mr. Stark doesn't like you anywhere near Army Databases. Just because he let you hack SHIELD's databases doesn't count as an okay for Army ones, JARVIS."

"Of course Miss Cornet."

"Boss?" Veer quietly spoke up.

"You're full of questions today, Veer," she casually remarked. "What is it?" She stopped her typing again, as the name Kevroc appeared on her screen. Kit frowned again. The drug lord Tony had rescued those kids from was free from prison. She filed it away, sending a note with JARVIS to inform Tony later.

"Just... why do you do it?" he questioned.

Kit look at Veer. "When I got out of college, I took the first job offered to me. That was Stark Industries. At the time, SI was still producing weapons. It wasn't my ideal job nor did it ever sit comfortably that I was helping to create weapon systems. But it offered the most money and I needed the experience. I always thought that down the road, I would quit this job, find one closer to home where my father would stop worrying about me all the time." She snorted. "None of that really happened of course."

"So... why did you never leave?"

"Well, for starters SI stopped producing weapons, but mostly Mr. Stark. See the day I start work is the day Mr. Stark installed an AI into the coffee machine."

"There's an AI in the coffee machine?" Veer exclaimed, surprised by this. He never had any trouble with the coffee machine. In fact it looked like every other normal coffee machine. It didn't act any different either.

"Yes. Coco. He doesn't come out often these days. He made it impossible to get coffee out of him and threw a fit every time someone walked by with a mug of coffee. If you wanted to drink coffee you had to go to another floor to do. That was the whole reason why I created Alpha in the first place, so I could get a cup of Joe without Coco throwing a fit at me. Of course, after I finished Alpha, Mr. Stark came by, told me how impressed he was with Alpha and showed me some tips on how to improve Alpha's coding and prevent several errors from popping up. Then he showed me JARVIS." Kit paused, collecting her thoughts.

"Look, I don't know if you haven't noticed or just haven't been here long enough, Veer. But there's a reason why I put up with all his requests, his annoyance, everything," Kit explained; a smile tugging on her lips. "I like working for Mr. Stark. I like that he doesn't treat me like a clog in a machine. I like that he knows my favorite dessert. In fact I'm sure he knows everyone's favorite dessert. I like that he takes an interest in my work, even though I'm sure he's a busy man who can't stop by every employee's desk and check up on them but does it anyways. Everyone who works for SI, they all stay for different reasons. You will find though, that those reasons, they're because despite his flaws, his personality, Mr. Stark has impacted them some way. Because if you don't have a reason, if you don't understand the madness of working here, you won't last long in this company."

Veer fell silent. Kit reached over and patted him on the shoulder. "You'll understand one day," she wisely said.

"What if... what if I don't?" Veer asked, hesitantly. He was learning so much here and it never seemed to be enough. He just didn't seem to grasp anything; whether it was a hidden joke like the nerf wars or even the project related coding issues.

"You will," Kit said confidently. "It's why I choose you."

* * *

 

To say that Fury was upset was a gross understatement.

He glared at the Avengers sitting before him. Bruce was wrapped in a blanket, holding a cup of tea in his hands. He still looked flushed and feverish. Next to him Tony was playing on his tablet, not even bothering to pretend to be paying attention. Thor was on the other side, arms crossed. The look on his face showed that he was not going to be backing down on. Both Clint and Natasha looked too smug and Steve was the only who looked sheepish enough but there was still a defiant gleam in his eyes. Coulson looked as impassive as always, and interestingly stood in front of the entire team as if acting as their shield from asskicking Fury was about to unleash on them.

"Do you realize exactly how much trouble you lot are in?" Fury spat out. "You attacked the United States Army! There is currently a public outcry -"

Fury was interrupted as Tony suddenly let out an ecstatic shout. "YES!"

"STARK!" Fury bellowed.

"Oh hushed," Tony said, rolling his eyes. "You said there was a public outcry? Not after this." Turning to Bruce, Tony gleefully said, "You have to see this Bruce." He flicked a screen out from his tablet, displaying the holographic screen so everyone could see.

It was a new station with a podium full of microphones displayed on the screen. As young man walked onto the screen, a bar appeared that read: "Stark Industries Representative." He took a position at the podium and began to speak.

"Hello. My name is Asho Boland. First, if that little bar on the screen says Stark Industries Representative then the station you're watching didn't get the memo. While I am a Stark Industries Representative, I not here today to represent SI. So to the people of the various news stations if you could change it to just "Asho Boland, A-S-H-O B-O-L-A-N-D" I would greatly appreciate it."

The bar on the bottom screen flickered to read Asho Boland instead.

On screen, the man smiled. "So if I'm not representing Stark Industries, who am I representing? Today? Just myself. As you know a few hours ago, a viral broadcast of the Avengers attacking the US Army over the containment of Bruce Banner also known as The Hulk hit every news station, YouTube Account and every form of media possible. Since then, things have gone out of control trying to verify the authenticity of events. Websites are down as thousands turn to the internet and phones are ringing off hook even at Stark Industries where people seem to maintain the idea that it's the best place to get information.

There are polls, websites, forum posts, blogs, magazine and newspaper articles that defend that the Army is right to lock 'a monster'. There's at least a couple dozen different websites who say the Avengers should all be locked up for being dangerous as well. A few places are defending the Avengers what they did." Asho paused on screen, allowing the words to sink in.

"How is this fixing our public outcry?" Fury demanded.

"Shhh!" Tony hushed him. "Asho isn't done yet."

Asho started again. "What most don't realize is that they don't have the full story. To start, the Army simply attacked Doctor Banner. In fact here's the footage, when they first attacked.

The screen shifted to a tape of security camera outside of Stark Industries. It showed Bruce crossing the street, approaching Mimi's Ice Cream. Just as he reached the other side, several black cars pulled up and armed men jumped out of the car. Canisters spewing gas went rolling across the floor. Gunfire blasted through the speakers before being interrupted by Hulk's roar. The screen faded back revealing Asho again.

"If I had super powers and people came out of nowhere attacking me, I think I would lash out too. Now, just so you know, I am not an Army soldier nor am I a government agent. The only Avenger I personally know is Tony Stark, Iron Man and that's only because he's my boss. Even that is limited to a weekly meeting with him that lasts only about 30 minutes, assuming Mr. Stark is even able to come. But the word on the street is that the Army wants to lock up the Hulk because he's dangerous. Is the Hulk dangerous?

Let's look at the facts. We can gather this much from watching news clips of the Hulk fighting. He can easily lift somewhere between 70-100 tons. Extreme durability, able to leap over 2000 miles in a single bound, and is pretty fast. So Superman but green and without the ability to fly. Based on this alone, is the Hulk dangerous? Definitely.

But it's all about how the Hulk uses his powers. It's been nearly a year since the Avengers have formed with Hulk as one its core members. Since then, Hulk has saved over 1000 people. While his fight style is large destructive, the construction industry has seen a major boom in jobs since the forming of Avengers. In fact, there about over hundreds of fanmail arrive every day to Stark Industries for the Avengers."

"We have fanmail?" Clint asked. This was the first time he heard of this.

"Uh yeah," Tony said. "Have I mentioned my shipping department are a bunch of paranoid extremists who refused to hand it over until about a hundred different tests were done to make sure it was safe? Then when they were done and ready to give, SHIELD comes out of nowhere and confiscates them all." Tony paused long enough to glare at Fury. "Last I checked it's bottom of the barrel priority for SHIELD's scientists to check."

"Stark," Fury said warningly. Tony made a hushing noise again and gestured back to screen.

"This letter is Suzie Caletic. She's a six years girl living California," Asho held a yellow piece of paper up for audience to see. On it was a green squishy circle, a smiling girl and broken and backward letters. "It says, Thank you Mister Hulk for saving me. Her mother including a more detailed letter professing her gratitude for the Hulk saving her daughter. This incident can be related back to the Doombots attacking three weeks ago and what do you know, we have news footage of this very incident of the Hulk rescuing a small girl."

The screen flickered to play the clip of Hulk pulling a small child out from a burning building. "That of course is just strictly speaking about Hulk," Asho said after the clip ends. "Doctor Banner, the man behind the Hulk is world's leading scientist in gamma radiation. He has also recently invented with the help of Mr. Stark, portable medical equipment including a CT machine and a MRI machine that are usable in conditions where electricity is nowhere to be found. Not only has his inventions grossed over billions in sales, medical related deaths in third world countries has dropped 30%. The Army, the very people who want to lock up Doctor Banner and throw away the key, they've purchased over 347 machines over the course of the several months. Several army doctors have already written to Doctor Banner, grateful for these inventions. They have been able to save more soldiers hurt on the battlefield than before that would have originally required a full blown working hospital to save them." Asho held up the screen even more fan letters.

Asho grinned. "Now somewhere out there in this country someone is screaming that I am completely bias into supporting the Avengers because one of them happens to be my boss. Here's the thing, my support for the Avengers, it's my opinion. Not Stark Industries' opinion, but my opinion. An opinion I'm allowed to express in this fine country, just as all of you are. I am not standing before all of you to tell you that the Avengers are right and the Army is wrong. No. I am asking you, before you go jumping to conclusions, before you decide who is right and who is wrong, look at the facts.

Everything I told you just now, they're all facts that you can find yourself. Want proof that the Army has ordered 347 machines? Call up Stark Industries and we will fax you every single order form. Mr. and Mrs. Caletic, Suzie's parents says you are welcome to stop by their house or call their phone for confirmation of events they wrote about in their letters, as long as it doesn't interrupt Suzie's bedtime. I have their address and phone number here. They even have an open webcam chat that you can attend otherwise. The Red Cross has kindly provided the data to prove the drop in medical related deaths in third world countries and are willing to provide copies of the reports to anyone who asks.

Again, I'm not trying to make Doctor Banner and the Hulk into gods or saints. He's only human like the rest of us. He will make mistakes. He has feelings. When I say Doctor Banner is a brilliant gentle man that is only my opinion of him. Make your own choices, decide for yourself without blindly jumping in. Just put yourself in Doctor Banner's shoes.

You're being hunted because you have a dangerous and powerful gift. One that people fear you'll misuse, one that they will experiment on you just to see the extent of this gift. Do you go quietly and surrender? Or do you stand and fight for your freedom?

Think about it."

* * *

 

Asho walked off the screen and the channel changes over to another reporter. The clips of the Avengers' fight resume playing. "That was Asho Boland, offering us a more detailed look at the behind scenes of this fight the Avengers had with the US Army. You know, I think he has a point. If we look at this from the Avengers point of view, the Army had basically kidnapped someone they consider to be a teammate. Was it was smart idea for them to attack the way they did? Probably not, but I don't think we can really blame them. Back to you John."

Bruce closed the screen and looked at Tony. Relief and gratitude clearly reflected in his eyes. "Thank you," he said, choking up. "Thank you."

Tony grinned and shook his head. "Don't thank me, this? Wasn't my idea. Not taking credit for this awesome idea. If you want to thank someone, thank Asho." He leaned over to the tablet and brought up the dialer. Punching in a few numbers, a telephone call was soon in process.

Eventually, a new screen was displayed with Asho's face on it. "Hello?"

Asho Boland managed to make it safely back to his car without reporters jumping him. He took a deep breath and rested his forehead against the steering wheel. "Nothing but a pack of wolves," he muttered to himself.

Dealing with the media, with reporters, the paparazzi, these were all things Asho dealt with on a daily basis. That was what it meant to be working in the PR department of Stark Industries. Normally, if it had been anyone but the Avengers, Asho wouldn't have touched this media storm with a ten foot pole. Just because he's good with people, with emotions and empathy, doesn't mean he likes dealing the negativity that press tended to bring.

However it was the Avengers; it was Doctor Banner. Doctor Banner who worked on the floor above the PR department, who Asho saw every morning, who offered tea when Asho ran into him, who didn't deserve any of this.

The ringing of his cellphone shattered the silence. Asho groaned and hoped it wasn't a reporter. Flicking the holographic screen in front of him, Asho tiredly answered the video phone call. "Hello?"

He was pleasantly surprised to see Doctor Banner staring back at him. "Doctor Banner," Asho greeted. He spies the rest of the Avengers leaning over the doctor's shoulders. "And the rest of the Avengers too."

"Thank you," Bruce said softly. "You didn't have to do this."

Asho shook his head. "I wanted to. I volunteered to." Asho can see what a great person Doctor Banner is. He knew it wasn't right for him to be hunted like a monster. Didn't people see, that the fact the doctor still fought for humanity, still defended his attackers spoke volumes to what kind of person he was? Lesser men would have given up, would fall off the deep end and end up becoming the exact monsters people describe them to be.

"He did." Asho heard Mr. Stark's voice from the side. "Had JARVIS call me up during the middle of the battle just to tell me he wanted no, he would to handle the media after this."

"That's very bold of you, Mr. Boland," said Coulson, appearing on the screen on the left for Asho. "Even SHIELD PR department didn't want to touch this story."

"Why?" came Bruce's raw question after that.

Asho gave a shy smile. Why? Such a simple yet hard question. Luckily, this time Asho knew exactly what the answer was. "As I said on TV, I can only speak for myself," he said with confidence, "But you're more than just an Avenger, more than just a great man, Doctor Banner. You're a SI employee, and that makes you family."

Asho paused to smile a fuller, larger grin. It was true. People didn't realize that when you stay with Mr. Stark, you become a part of his ever growing dysfunctional family. The Avengers are just the newest siblings in town. Asho, buzzing with conviction continued.

"We take care of our own."


	14. Step 14: Ice Cream fixes everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continuing this soft fluffy vibe. Wasn't happy with the ending but yeah. Enjoy.

 

**Step 14: Ice Cream fixes everything**

  
She will deny if you ask, but Natasha was planning to do something out of the kindness of her heart. It wasn't something odd for her to do, nor was it because she incapable of doing something kind; rather the act of kindness she intended to do was something she could not do secretly. Natasha preferred to be more subtle with her acts of kindness and supports, never outright showing or saying.

 

It had been one week since the Bruce's kidnapping. One hellish week with SHIELD not letting them leave due to rabid press presence and telephone calls. Not to mention Bruce's fever took a turn for the worse and he was stuck in medical half sedated for most of the mess (which might be a good thing).  
  
Today was the first time they were allowed back into the Tower. Everyone was tired and cranky. Steve and Tony were fussing over keeping Bruce comfortable and Clint and Thor easily took watch. Natasha on the other hand, was setting out to get that ice cream Bruce never got.  
  
The elevator pinged opened and she entered. A few floors later, it stopped and Asho entered. Natasha blinked.  
  
“Oh, hello Agent Romanov,” Asho greeted.  
  
“Hello,” she replied. Natasha paused for a moment, fumbling to find the proper words. “Thank you,” she finally said softly. “For the other day, for defending Bruce, us.” Asho’s short speech practically turned everything toward the Avengers’ favor. Instead of angry phone calls, letters, and threats, they were more calm and subdued. People understood why they did what they did. Many still didn’t agree with their actions, but they understood.  
  
Asho smiled. “No problem. Welcome home by the way. The building been too quiet with all you Avengers gone.” While most managed to continue on with their work, many had been waiting on the edge for the Avengers to return. Pepper had the go-to person for information until she had gotten fed up and told everyone to just wait until the Avengers came home and yes they were all perfectly fine.  
  
Natasha felt some of the tension leave her body. “Yes,” she said in relief. “It is good to be home.”  
  
“So, food run?” Asho asked.  
  
“Something like that.”  
  
“Me too. I’m getting ice cream.”  
  
Natasha’s eyebrow rose. “Ice cream?” she asked. That didn’t seem like a healthy choice for food. Dessert yes, but for food?  
  
“It isn’t for me,” Asho said, sensing her confusion. “Ice cream just fixes everything.”  
  
“I... I’m not sure I understand,” Natasha confessed. What exactly was the ice cream going to fix?  
  
“Let me show you,” Asho offered. The elevator door slide open as they entered the lobby. Asho directed Natasha to shop across the street.  
  
‘Mimi’s Ice Cream’ the sign read. As they approached the door, Arashi came out. “Agent Romanov, Asho,” Arashi greeted.  
  
“Ice cream run?” Asho asked with mirth.  
  
“Ice cream fixes everything,” Arashi wisely answered. “You better get in there, the line is huge today. Looks like they might actually run out.” He waved goodbye and dashed out across the street and back into Stark Industries.  
  
They ended the shop to find it packed.  Behind the counter, the workers were scrambling to keep up with the influx of customers they had. Natasha stared. She was most certain that many people who were present in line were actually workers she saw in tower.  
  
“Is it always like this?” she asked.  
  
“No, not really,” Asho answered her. “But Mimi’s ice cream is the best in the city. That’s actually a fact. It has ranked in the top five since opening, fluctuating between one and two mostly. Minus one jarring year where it dropped to fifth place. Oddly though, it’s never packed. Just has a steady flow of customers constantly. They’re actually pretty fast about serving.”  
  
True enough, it only took a few short minutes for Natasha and Asho to reach the front counter. The blond haired worker look at them, looking completely frazzled. “They called you back into work Matt?” Asho asked.  
  
Matt smiled. “Yeah. They were getting swamped. What can I get you two?”  
  
“A pint of pistachio to go,” Asho ordered.  
  
“What is your Young Justice Cream?” Natasha asked.  
  
“It’s our sampler,” Matt answered. “You have six different flavors to try. All cups sizes. If you want more, there’s always the Justice League. Those come in pints and have twelve different flavors.”  
  
That actually worked to Natasha’s favor. She could get a little bit of everything and she didn’t have to worry about which one was Bruce’s favorite. He was bound to like at least one of them. “I’ll take that one,” she ordered. “How much?”  
  
Matt shook his head. “On the house for you Agent Romanov. You had a rough week from the sounds of it.” He handed Natasha a tiny card. “But if you could pass that onto Doctor Banner I would greatly appreciate it.”  
  
Natasha took the card. “What is this?”  
  
“Free coffee for life,” Matt said. “Doctor Banner is welcomed here any time.”  
  
“Oh, thank you,” Natasha said. It was jarring to see so much support from the public. Natasha never cared for what other people thought, but it surprising to see so many different people rally behind the Avengers and their actions. “I will pass it on.”  
  
Natasha and Asho soon left the small store ice cream in hand. They were across the street and back in the elevator when Natasha realized that Asho hadn’t pushed a floor to stop at. “You’re not getting off?” she asked.  
  
“I am,” Asho said. “Top floor.”  
  
Natasha frowned. The top floor was the Avengers living area... and something people didn’t have access to. “Why?” she asked.  
  
Asho held up the carton of ice cream. “The ice cream is for Doctor Banner,” he said.  
  
The doors slid open and both Natasha and Asho exited into the living room. Bruce was wrapped up in blankets, eating ice cream and watching Lilo and Stitch. Thor and Steve were clustered on the other side of Bruce, sobbing and eating another carton of ice cream. Clint was perched on a counter in the kitchen, watching as Natasha and Asho entered the room. Tony was in the kitchen stuffing more ice cream into the freezer.    
  
When Tony saw Asho and Natasha, carrying more ice cream, he groaned. “No! No more ice cream! Arashi just stopped by with “I’m sorry the army is full of idiots and I hope you’re okay” ice cream. The Yamashita were here earlier with “Hope you’re feeling better” ice cream. Red sent “You kick ass!” ice cream. Steve is eating Seika’s “I sorry you had to go through that” ice cream and Thor is eating Ita’s “Feel better soon” ice cream. Bruce is eating Tam’s “Good job smashing the Army” ice cream. Kit and Veer at least had to foresight to send coffee instead.”  
  
“I don’t mind,” Bruce said. “I can’t remember the last time I had ice cream.”  
  
“Speaking of coffee,” Natasha said. She handed Bruce a card. “A worker from Mimi’s said you’re welcome to have free coffee for life and that you are always welcome to the store.”  
  
Bruce took the card. “Oh, they... didn’t have to,” he softly said.  
  
“What? Bruce gets free coffee!” Tony shouted. “I've been trying to get that guy's coffee recipe for YEARS! He only makes like four batches of that heavenly coffee in the first hour of the day and that's it! No more until the following morning!” A tub of ice cream slide out of the freezer and dropped onto Tony’s foot. He yelped. “Gah, why did everyone buy ice cream?!”  
  
“Ice cream fixes everything,” Asho said with a shrug. “Here’s my ‘You’re a good man Doctor Banner’ ice cream.” He handed the tub of ice cream to Bruce. “Agent Romanov has the sampler from Mimi’s.”  
  
“Thanks Natasha,” Bruce said.  
  
“You’re welcome,” she answered quietly.  
  
“Have fun with eating ice cream!” Asho called out, heading toward the elevator.  
  
Natasha took a seat on the other side of Steve and open one of the cups for herself. Clint jumped off of the counter and grabbed one from a freezer, tossed the rest of Natasha’s stash in there and joined her. Tony gave in, grabbed his own flavor and joins his teammates on the couch. They all sit, quietly together as Lilo and Stitch played and eating ice cream.  
  
Just a simple quiet afternoon.


	15. Step 15: Requirements for Hire…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go the final chapter. :3 Let's go out with a bang yes?

The second Sunday of the month was shawarma night. It was just a simple get together, a means of just... keeping in touch after the fight with Loki in New York back before all of them moved into the Tower. These days it was just an excuse to leave the Tower, to kick back and enjoy spending time together. Assuming they weren't on a mission together.

Today they were celebrating Bruce's clean bill of health and the fact that Army was finally backing down. It had been over three weeks since the incident and everyone can safely say no permanent damage was done (with the general exception of the game of "who was paying for the damages" that the Army, SHIELD and SI were playing but Tony is letting his accounting and legal department and Pepper deal with it.)

"I would like to propose a toast," Tony said holding his drink.

"Shouldn't we wait for Phil?" Clint asked.

Tony waved his hand dismissively. "We'll just do another one when he gets here!"

"Any reason to drink Tony?" Natasha mused.

"Here Here!" Thor agreed.

Steve cleared his throat. "Alright alright. Let's just get this onward. To Bruce's good health."

Tony tackled on. "And the Army bastards finally getting the message that you don't mess with the Avengers!"

Bruce smiled. "Cheers," he said, raising his glass. Everyone clink their glasses together and drank. It was a great start to a grand night.

 

xXxXx

 

Despite his best efforts, Coulson was late. As usual paperwork was the culprit. This game of "Who was paying for the damages" between SHIELD, the Army and SI was rapidly de-evolving into a frustrating mess. The Army was suing SI for the damages their boss did to Fort Soren, SI in return was suing SHIELD because Avengers was SHIELD's responsibility as well as suing the army for the damages they did to SI's building. SHIELD was suing the army for attacking one of their own. Coulson was sure SHIELD could bury the army in enough paperwork to make them accept. He just needed to convince Pepper to drop the lawsuit.

That was a terrifying idea, because Pepper was a force of nature herself and she would eventually get her way.

'Note to self, buy Pepper a bunch of flowers and chocolate and send some junior agents to grovel at her feet.'

Phil had just reached the shawarma joint when suddenly a loud deafening boom sent him flying into the wall across the street. Dust rose as the explosion sent bricks and shrapnel scattering. The last thing Phil saw, blood coloring his vision red was the building collapsing onto itself.

Then the world turned black.

 

xXxXx

 

Phil woke to white walls and the smell of aseptic. His body ached and throbbed like someone was taking a jackhammer to the ground. "What happened?" he moaned, trying to remember how on Earth he ended up in a hospital.

"The shawarma joint got bombed."

The explosion. Of course. Phil turned to his side to see Pepper sitting on his bedside. Aside from the redness around her eyes, there was no sign to tell that she had been bawling her eyes out a few minutes ago. Phil winced. No one liked it when Pepper cried.

Fear gripped Phil's heart as the startling realization that no one else was in the room beside Pepper. Under normal circumstances, Tony would not pass up a chance to torment him while Phil was stuck in a bed and unable to escape. Not to mention that Natasha and Clint had a bad habit of camping in his room whenever he got hurt. No one was in sight. Had they been in the building when it exploded?

"The Avengers?" Phil asked. "They weren't in the building were they?"

Pepper shook her head. "No. The building was empty. Director Fury and Agent Hill at the scene looking for clues. We know they were there, just... don't know where they went."

"SHIELD will find them," Phil reassured.

Pepper gave a bitter laugh. "Forgive me, Phil," she said. "If I don't want to trust SHIELD with this. The whole fiasco with the Army has shaken my faith in government agencies for awhile. No, there's already a team working on this."

Phil blinked. "Who?" Pepper wouldn't hire a team of hit men just because she doesn't trust SHIELD would she?

"Me."

Phil felt his heart skip a beat as he suddenly realized that someone was at the foot of his bed. "Mr. Yamashita," Phil said, once he realized who exactly that was. Kai was dressed in black from head to toe, a katana hung across his back and various pouches around his waist, arms and legs. A simple white cat mask rested on the side of his head, grinning like a Cheshire Cat. He was perched on the footboard of the bed, muscles tense and ready to spring into action. If there was any doubt in Phil's mind that this man was a dangerous, it was blown out of his mind.

"Agent Coulson," Kai greeted. "Are you alright?"

"I've been in worse," Phil said.

Kai nodded and turned to look at Pepper. "We've located Mr. Stark and the rest of the Avengers, Miss Potts. Would you like us to proceed?"

Pepper nodded. "Be careful and bring them home."

Kai nodded.

"Hold it," Phil said, interrupting. He struggled to get up from the bed. "If you're going to rescue them, I'm coming with you."

"No," Pepper shot back, pushing him back down. "You need your rest."

"They're my team," Phil said.

"You're hurt!"

"My team."

"If he can get us a Quintjet," Kai cut in. "I won't have to go through the trouble of stealing one myself."

Both Pepper and Phil stared at him. "I'm... going to pretend I didn't hear that," Phil finally said.

Pepper sighed, giving in. "Fine." She glared at Phil. "You owe me big time for this. I shouldn't be enabling your bad habits."

Phil smiled. Then looking at Kai, he said in a serious tone. "I am not telling you that there is a Quintjet in Hanger 35. Nor am I telling you that code that will overwrite the security to that Hanger which happens to be 345602. I am also not handing you the paperwork that orders anyone you encounter to give anything you wanted." He handed Kai a slip of paper.

Kai gave a mock salute and vanished out the door. Phil looked at Pepper. "We should meet him at the door."

 

xXxXx

 

This was becoming old.

Tony was sick of waking up in a place he didn't recognize, wrapped in chains and unable to move. At least time he didn't wake up in a cave with a car battery attached to his chest. His head felt foggy and his thoughts were sluggish. A dangerous position to be in, because Tony needed his wits. There was heavy collar around his neck that was attached to a chain which was cemented into the middle of the ground. Likewise his wrists as well, forcing him into a kneeling position.

"You're awake."

Tony looked up to see a rugged looking man sitting in the chair in front of him. A scar ran across his nose and a gun rested loosely in his hands. Tony knew who this man was. "Kevroc," Tony said with a charming smile. "There was a rumor you were out of prison."

Kevroc was the Drug Lord Tony had rescued the kids from two months ago. A vile man, grossly obese and greedy. Tony had handed him to the authorities before turning his attention to the kids.

"Well, I suppose I have you to thank for putting me in there," Kevroc sneered.

"Your beef is with me," Tony said. "Why target the other Avengers?" He noticed behind him, where his teammates were chained up that everyone beginning to stir. Kevroc was a small time criminal. He didn't have the smarts or the influence to play in the big leagues.

However the hum of electricity that was pulsing around Tony's neck was saying otherwise. "Don't try anything stupid," Kevroc said, noticing Tony staring at the collar. "I had those specially made. They'll pump 100,000 volts if you try to break those off."

He gestured to the side. Tony felt his stomach lurch as he recognized Bruce's still form attached to the wall. The doctor's body twitched ever so slightly. Kevroc grinned. "The Hulk was kind enough to test it out for me. Still managed to break a wall before the good doctor came back out."

Kevroc pointed his gun at Tony, pulling the trigger. It rushed passed Tony's head and to his horror, buried itself in the wall right next to Natasha's head who was behind him. "Oops, my finger slipped," the drug lord taunted.

Music filled the air, as Kevroc's cellphone buzzed. He flipped it open. "Speak," he commanded.

 _"Mister Kevroc?"_ It was female's voice, cool to the tone.

Kevroc frowned. "Who is this? How did you get this number?"

_"It doesn't matter how. Word on the street is that you are in possession of the Avengers."_

"Word travels fast, little lady," Kevroc said. He wasn't sure how this bitch knew he was in possession of the Avengers but it didn't matter. The Avengers were his.

Just as he was about to close the phone, she said, "50 million for Hawkeye."

"The archer?" Kevroc said, seeing dollar signs as he eyed Clint. "What do you want him for?"

_"I won't bore you with the details but the man murdered my father. I've been tracking him down for years and didn't find him until the Avengers went public. I want him death."_

"I can do that for you," Kevroc said. He aimed his gun at Clint's unconscious body.

 _"I do not want it to be quick and painless,"_ the lady snapped. _"I want to break every bone his body, rip his nails off his fingers, and pull every tooth from his mouth. I want to slowly hack away each of his limbs until he begs for his death."_

"Kinky," Kevroc said. "You have yourself a deal. A 100 million for the archer. Allow me to call you back to arrange for a meet up."

_"Hardly necessary. I'm coming to you."_

The line went dead. Kevroc chuckled. This was a wonderful day. Not only had he managed to capture the Avengers, he just scored a cool 100 million for one of them. He gave a swift kick to Clint's body before looking at Tony. "Your friend pissed off the wrong lady Stark." He burst out laughing and left the room.

Once the steel door slammed shut, Tony stained to look at Clint. "Who the hell did you piss off Barton?"

Clint's eyes snapped open. "Bastard, kicking me," he muttered. He had been conscious for the last five minutes, just after the bullet landed near Natasha's head. As soon as he got free that bastard was dead. Then in a louder tone, he answered Tony, "Like I'm supposed to keep track of the idiots I pissed off."

Natasha spoke up next. "So any ideas how to get us out of here without shocking us to death?" She eyed the bullet hole next to her head. That was a close call.

Tony looked over the collar. He could feel something going down his back from his collar, like a cord of some sort and from his limited view his teammates, they had similar ones. "Well on the bright side, whoever designed these collars are idiots. They actually have to be plugged in to produce that kind of voltage."

"Meaning?" Steve asked from his corner.

"If this place gets hit by a blackout, the collars will be useless."

"A blackout?" Thor questioned.

"No more electricity. The building turns off," Tony explained.

"And how do we do that?" Clint asked.

"I don't know."

 

xXxXx

 

The simple thought of a cool 100 million for Hawkeye sent Kevroc over the moon. Of course, he wasn't completely stupid and knew that if this bitch was coming to him, (how did she find this place?) Kevroc was going to be ready. "Oi send some guys up to the roof and some behind that crates," he barked. "We got ourselves a guest. She tries anything funny, kill her."

Within the hour a single black car pulled up to the warehouse. Kevroc was expecting some little rich bitch, dressed in some skimpy red dress, carrying an annoying mutt and surrounded with armed bodyguards. Instead out of the car, stepped a high class black haired business woman. She was dressed in a black suit and wearing sunglasses. Two metal cases came out with her and more importantly she was alone.

"Mister Kevroc I presume," she said in a cool crisp voice.

"The one and only," he boasted.

"I am Malinda Vong. You'll understand that I wish to see you have the... merchandise before we complete this deal right?"

Kevroc gave her a razor like smile. "Of course. This way."

 

xXxXx

 

"So," Phil said. He was sitting on the couch in the Avengers Tower. There was fury of activity behind him but Phil paid no attention to it.

"So," Pepper said. She was sitting next to him, sipping a cup of coffee.

"We just wait?"

"Welcome to my world."

No one noticed that downstairs, a group of mercenaries were crawling through the still shattered remains of the front door.

 

xXxXx

 

Malinda's eyes narrowed behind her sunglasses as she examined Clint. The archer was still unconscious it seemed. An effective drug. "Hmmm, yes this is him. But what are these bulky collars around their necks?"

"Just my way of keeping them tied up," Kevroc said. He stood in the middle room, watching as lady examined the archer.

"They are plugged into the wall," Malinda said dryly.

"A design flaw," Kevroc said. "The collars won't work without being plugged in." He motioned for his two guards to unhook Clint from the wall.

"Leave him," Malinda ordered. "I have something I want to discuss before we finish." Her eyes swept down the still forms for the Avengers.

"Oh?"

Malinda circled around Tony who glared at her. Her long black hair swaying around her. "What are you planning to do with him?" she asked. "He's such a wonderful... specimen."

"I'm too good for you baby," Tony flirted back.

"Cute," she snapped.

"I planned to kill him. The bastard ruined my life," Kevroc said.

"Love you too," Tony snarked.

"Hmmm, I want to buy his arc reactor when you're done," Malinda said, setting a metal case down in front of Tony. She tapped the glowing circle of light before reaching to grab his chin to force him to look at her. "Such a pretty face," she said, nudging her sunglasses down to look.

Tony's heart leapt into his throat. He knew those eyes. Glancing at the case, he was surprised to see words quickly flash before him 'Wait for blackout, then yell deploy'. As quickly as the letters appeared, they vanished as Malinda picked up the case.

"I will give you another 100 million for it," Malinda said, coming to stand in front of Kevroc. She placed the two cases on the ground.

"Why is so important?" Kevroc asked.

Malinda smiled. "Let me worry about that."

The drug lord scowled. Did she take him for some fool? "Fine, but only for 500 million."

"You drive a hard bargain," Malinda said. "Very well."

"But first let's see the money for the archer," Kevroc demanded.

"Of course."

Just as Malinda reached down for the case, the lights flickered out. "DEPLOY!" Tony roared.

The room filled with a bright light as a repulsor blast went off.

"Steve, Thor now!" Tony shouted among the screams and gunfire.

In the dark, Steve and Thor leapt forward, pulling at the cables with them. There was a snap as chains and cords broke. The lights flickered on, to show Kevroc had been thrown into a wall and slumped on his side. There was a gaping hole in the wall that led into the hallway and a guard was scrambling to his feet. The guard punched a red button and yelled into it "THE PRISONERS HAVE ESCAPED!" He collapsed, shot through the chest.

And standing in the center room, was the Iron Man armor.

Steve freed Tony from his chains as Thor broke Natasha and Clint free. "Wait, what just happened?" Clint asked.

Tony just smiled. "Hotaru I could kiss you," he called out.

Malinda who shot the last guard, turned to pull the black hair wig off her head. Sun-kissed brown hair spilled out as she took off the sunglasses. "Happily married, Mr. Stark," Hotaru pointed out.

"Mrs. Yamashita?" Steve said, gapping.

"Lady Hotaru!" Thor greeted.

"How?" Natasha asked.

Hotaru tossed the second case to Clint. "Bow and Arrows in there." Then she took out another gun and an extra magazine and handed it to Natasha. "Here, guns for Agent Romanov."

Tony grinned as he stepped into the Iron Man armor, letting it wrapped around him. "Let's blow this joint," he said.

Thor picked up the still unconscious Bruce from the ground. Bruce groaned and moaned. "How are you feeling, Friend Bruce?"

"Like hell," Bruce groaned.

"Don't worry. We shall get you out of here," Thor promised as Bruce slipped back into unconsciousness.

They headed toward the hole in the wall. As they approached, a man dressed in black with a cat mask appeared before them. Clint fired off an arrow. The arrow was sliced in half before it had even reached its target.

Tony on the other hand opened up his faceplate. "Kai! You came too!"

Kai removed his mask, placing it on the side of his head to reveal his face. "You didn't think I would let my wife wander into a drug lord's warehouse without me did you?"

"Mr. Yamashita?" Steve spoke out gapping. Why on Earth are the Yamashitas here?

"I knew it!" Clint accused. "You are the world's greatest ninja."

Kai rolled his eyes. "I didn't say I wasn't, Agent Barton. I just said no to being recruited by SHIELD." Kai handed Steve that Kai had been carrying on his back. "Here you go Captain Rogers."

"Thanks," Steve said.

Arashi appeared around the corner, armed with a rifle. "You go too fast, Kai," the doctor complained.

"You should keep up," Kai reprimanded.

"Not all of us are secret ninjas Kai," Arashi said.

"You're a former soldier. This should be child's play," Kai pointed out.

Whatever Arashi was going to say next, died on his lips as he finally noticed Bruce in Thor's arms. He made a strangled cry. "He just finished healing from the fever!"

"Treatment can come later," Kai said, placing his mask back on. A guard turned to corner. With a quick flick, a shuriken buried itself into the guard's throat. "We need to go." Kai darted down the hallway, Arashi and Tony following after.

Hotaru hummed and followed after her husband. "You're not fazed by any of this?" Natasha asked, leaving with her. According to her file, Hotaru was an average everyday civilian compared to her husband. It was one thing that she was unfazed being threaten back at the Tower but it was another thing that she could calmly walk into enemy territory with no training at all. Thor followed after them, leaving Steve and Clint to watch their back.

The secretary smiled. "Not at all. I've been married to Kai for sixteen years. This is nothing. Beside the whole thing reminds me of a mix up of our first date and second anniversary. I'm actually getting quite good at this whole disguise thing."

Natasha gave her a look. "I really want to know how you two met."

Hotaru just smiled. She stepped over the destruction Kai, Arashi and Tony created. Let's see she counted ten down guards, four holes and two guards tied from duct tape. At the end of the hall, the three of them were waiting, impatiently. "Come on guys," Tony called out. "We don't have time to dilly dally!"

"We're coming Stark," Natasha shouted.

Another corner and they were outside of the warehouse. "Now what?" Thor asked.

"We have a QuintJet waiting for us," Hotaru said. She shrieked as Kai suddenly grabbed her and bullets rained down where she was standing.

"Gunmen on the roof," Steve said. "Clint -!"

The gunmen fell to the ground.

"Was that you Clint?" Natasha asked.

The archer shook his head. "I didn't even have time to draw an arrow."

"Tam is here," Arashi said.

Tony let out a giddy laugh that was muffled by the iron faceplate. "Really?"

"Who's Tam?" Steve asked.

"She's a former army sniper," Hotaru said.

The Avengers sans Tony stared at her. "A sniper?" Natasha asked.

"What is a sniper?" Thor asked.

"Someone who uses a gun to shoot from a distance. Like Clint but with a gun," Bruce weakly answered, stirring back to consciousness. Arashi was instantly at his side, doing a quick check.

"Where did you get a sniper?" Steve asked.

"She works for me," Tony said. "Tam delivers our mail. She's also dating Asho, you know the PR guy that helped us with whole Army kidnapping Bruce incident."

"Ahem," Kai interrupted. "We're in the middle of escaping?"

Bright lights flooded the area as the sound of engines filled the area. "I heard you guys need a ride," came Red's voice over the speaker.

The Quintjet landed to the ground, its back hatch opened and Tam standing in the entrance. "So... where did you get the Quintjet from?" Tony asked, entering the jet. Everyone else stumbled on after him. Arashi took Bruce from Thor and started an examination.

"From SHIELD," Kai said, removing his mask, perching it on the side of his head.

"So SHIELD knows you're here," Natasha said.

"Nope."

"Well they do now," Red answered from the cockpit. "I just called them."

"You guys stole a Quintjet from SHIELD?" Clint asked, baffled.

Kai snorted. "Please. I had permission."

"Permission?" Natasha asked. Her eyebrow rose as she questioned the truth of the statement.

"Friend Red I did not know you knew how to fly this aircraft!" Thor said.

Red grinned and gave a thumb up at Thor without removing his sight from the controls. "Yeah. I had tested this bad boy back when it was just a prototype."

Steve looked at the rest of the people on the tiny jet. "So... do all of you work for Tony?" he asked the employees.

"Yes," was the chorused answered.

Steve turned his attention to Tony. "Your employees just rescued us," he stated.

Tony grinned. "Aren't they awesome?" His employees were the best.

"Returning to Avengers Tower," Red announced.

It was time to go home.

 

xXxXx

 

"W-what happened here?" Steve asked as they tiredly entered the living room.

The entire area had been trashed. There were bullet holes in the wall, stuffing from slashed pillows spread across the floor and broken glass everywhere. The ground was cracked as if someone had been slammed _hard_ into the ground. Likewise there was a similar impact on the side wall. There were scorched marks near the bar, half of the counter gone. Pepper and Phil sat on the couch in the middle of the room; the couch across from them slashed in two. Kit had commandeered the stool and the remainder of the bar counter in the back, typing away furiously. Ita took the leftovers remains of the coffee table and had paperwork scattered across it. Seika sat behind him typing away on her laptop and signing whatever Ita handed to her. Asho stood in the corner, on his cellphone speaking quietly. Piled near the elevators was a bunch of men tied up in duct tape and unconscious.

Veer smiled and held up a tray. "Coffee?" he offered.

"Sure!" Tony said, grabbing a cup. He collapsed on the couch in between Pepper and Phil.

Ita handed him a stack of papers. "Sign these papers boss."

"What is this?" Tony asked.

"The papers to sue the bastard responsible," Ita answered.

Tony scowled. "It isn't even worth to sue that damn bastard Kevroc."

"Not him," Veer said. He handed a cup of coffee to Kai and Hotaru who took a seat next to Seika on the ground. Tam helped Arashi laid Bruce on the ground before he dashed off to get more medical supplies. Red stalked over to the kitchen and stole some poptarts from the cupboards. He tossed one to Thor who followed him in there and gladly opened the package. The rest of the Avengers just stood, stun still at the state of the room and partly too exhausted to move.

"Clinton Ravera," Kit called out. "I'm currently hacking through his systems. Apparently he was the one responsible for getting Kevroc out of prison and had been backing the man for awhile, supplementing his fortune with some of the money Kevroc made dealing drugs. He also was one of the supporters of General Ross and started the whole "Hulk is Dangerous" rumors."

"Ravera?" Tony asked, looking at Veer.

Veer scratched his cheek. "Ahaha yeah. My dad seemed to have turned to a life of crime. Apparently the last straw was me coming to work here. He's always been jealous that SI always trumps him in the computer field. Never thought he would go this far. The mercenaries are from him too." He pointed to the group of unconscious men.

Clint let out a whistle. He managed to collapse on the chair nearest to Phil. Natasha followed after him, and flipped the turnover chair next to Clint back upright to take a seat. "How-" Clint started.

He was interrupted as Seika let out a triumphed cry. "YES! All the money has been drained from his bank account. It's been funneled into various charities including The Peggy Carter Institution."

"The what Institution?" Steve asked. He took a seat on the ground, clearing it from glass and staring at the surrounding destruction.

"Are all of you alright?" Phil asked.

"We're fine, thanks to them," Natasha answered.

"And Bruce?" Pepper asked.

"I'm fine," Bruce mumbled, struggling to sit up.

"No you're not. At this point, there isn't any lasting damage," Arashi said. "He'll just need to rest and no more Hulking out for at least a week." He pushed Bruce back down into a lying position.

"I just successfully downloaded all of the company's blueprints, emailed all of his dirty secrets to SHIELD so someone can arrest him, and ruined his credit score," Kit announced.

Asho snapped his phone shut. "In a few hours so his reputation via media will be down the tube. I just... anonymously sent some of his "dirty secrets" including that he works together with a drug lord to every new station and newspaper publisher in the country. JARVIS is helping me um... spread false stories on every forum board, blog and website possible."

"It is quite... interesting," JARVIS said sounding almost amused.

"Okay," Tony said, signing the papers and handing them back to Ita. "But I do have to ask who put the bullet holes in the wall?"

"That was me," Phil grunted.

"And the broken window?"

Pepper flushed a bright red color. "I might, uh, have kicked someone out the window. He's alright though!"

Tony grinned. He looked at Pepper's black and red heels. "With your precious Louboutin?" he teased.

She smiled. "Of course. I can kick ass in these heels."

"Why is the couch slashed in two?" Natasha asked.

"That was me," Kit called out. "The idiot dodged."

"That's probably a good thing," Kai said. "Aren't you a Nidan, Kit?"

Kit paused her typing to look back at Kai. "Yeah. Father insisted I learn Kendo from him."

"What is Kendo?" Steve asked.

"Japanese sword fighting," Hotaru filled in. "And Nidan, 2nd Dan that is, is pretty impressive. It's like... being a champion fighter."

"Close enough," Kit said.

"Who is responsible for the body imprint on the ground?" Tony asked.

The room quiet and those who were present to see the fight, turned to look at Seika who was ignoring everyone. "Is there something you haven't told anyone Seika?" Tony asked with an eyebrow raised. He had no idea his favorite accountant was capable of things like that.

"...No," was her answer.

"She's lying," Ita spoke up. "She's been a master of her family's martial art style since she was sixteen."

Seika reached over and swatted Ita on the back of his head. "Like you haven't been breezing through my family's martial art style like a duck to water over the last eight years!"

"So... the body imprint on the wall was Ita's doing?" Tony asked. He had no idea Ita had gotten that strong. Tony had known Ita had started learning martial arts from Seika as a way to get to know her better but that was impressive.

"Yup," chorused Pepper and Phil together.

"I'm gonna assume the fire in the bar was Asho's doing then?" Tony continued.

Asho smiled. "I learn it from Ita."

Tony had to nod in agreement. Ita had a talent for setting things on fire, something Tony knew first hand. That incident with the duck, rubber bands and a stove came to mind.

Clint looked around in the room. The Avengers, Phil and Pepper aside, the rest of the occupants in the room were SI employees who happen to include the world's greatest ninja and his unflappable wife, two martial artists, a former army doctor, a hacker who was also a swordswoman, a former army sniper, a pilot, a guy who rocked the media and a coffee boy. Basically, not normal people. "Tony," Clint asked. "Is being a badass a requirement for hire for SI?"

Tony preened. "Badass, eccentric, insane, genius or all of the above. Stark Industries doesn't hire anything but the best."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whee that's the end of this story. Hopefully though you enjoyed the story, had a good laugh and didn't hate any of the characters. The sequel should be up next week. :3 It wasn't the sequel I had originally planned but I hope you guys like it. 
> 
> Special thanks to Nyxelestia! Thanks for prompting such an awesome prompt on the kinkmeme (so very long long ago. Terribly sorry it took me this long to get it all up here. OTL)
> 
> See you guys in a week!


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